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Conservative Lawmakers Vow to Spend Entire Pride Month Drafting Legislation Exclusively About LGBTQ Community

WASHINGTON — Elected officials across the country promised they would spend the rest of Pride month drafting legislation targeted at making life a living hell for anyone within the LGBTQ community, multiple evil sources confirmed.

“There are so many woke corporations that suddenly put rainbows on everything as soon as June rolls around so they can make a few extra dollars off of oiled-up hairless boys that love to dance at the disco,” said Missouri Representative Brian Seitz [R]. “But I want to make it clear that this Pride month I am doubling down on my commitment to making life miserable for any gay person who refuses to pick up a Bible and change their sinful ways, and I won’t stop when June is over. I’m going to focus all my attention on the gays, every waking minute. I’ll find where they hang out, watch their pornography, and even enter an intimate relationship with a man if I have to just so I can learn how to really take down the gay agenda.”

Local activist Talia Lewis believes this current wave of anti-LGBTQ legislation is an act of desperation for conservatives.

“Being gay or trans isn’t new, but accepting so-called ‘alternative lifestyles’ is becoming more mainstream. I think these lawmakers are mad they weren’t able to truly express themselves when they were younger and the self-hatred burns so deep they take it out on the people most likely to accept them,” said Lewis. “Or they are just vile pigs with nothing better to do. The good news is most of these pieces of shit will be dying of heart attacks or firearm accidents soon enough, and they’ll stay nice and warm in Hell.”

Representatives from the American Civil Liberties Union noted a sharp increase in anti-LGBTQ legislation since 2018.

“The world is burning, we are running out of water, there is a threat of nuclear war in Eastern Europe, and yet the most important thing for so many elected representatives is making sure trans kids can’t take a shit in their public school without feeling threatened,” said Amy Ismodar. “Instead of focusing on housing for disabled military veterans, we will get multiple bills aimed at making kids dumber by not discussing gender identity. But hey, surely banning books by gay authors will make schools safer when an active shooter bursts in for the 37th time this semester.”

At press time, every major corporation selling Pride merchandise continued to send major financial contributions to right-wing lawmakers.