LITTLE ROCK, Ark. — Local man Jerry Whipple, a self-described red-blooded, god-fearing follower of Christ, was outraged when he noticed all of the parts of the Bible he deemed to be “woke” were highlighted in red, close family members confirmed.
“These liberal New York book publishers are trying to ram their agenda down our throats. I can’t even open my very own Bible without being told to love my neighbor, and all this preachy horse crap about forgiveness. No thank you, my neighbor is a pile of dog mess who thinks Obama is an actual American and it makes me sick,” said Whipple while hand-carving a miniature crucifix. “Then there is all this slop about how I should care about the poor. Since when? I worked hard to get where I am. My dad owned multiple apartment buildings and it was my responsibility to calculate the market rate for rent every year. Do you know how hard that is when you have these sinning single mothers whining that they won’t be able to afford another rent increase? I prefer the parts of the Bible that talk about pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and saluting the flag.”
Whipple’s pastor, Reverend Scott Disshum, says he won’t bother explaining to the members of his flock that the words in red are meant to represent what Jesus said.
“Look, if I explained to everyone who came into my church that Jesus preached love, acceptance, and wanted to limit human suffering, then I wouldn’t make any money. I tend to focus on the parts of the Bible that talk about a vengeful God who wants to destroy anyone who doesn’t follow his exact orders,” said Reverend Disshum. “Fear is what pays the bills at the end of the day. If I want to keep the lights on at the church, and my Rolls-Royce running on premium gas then I need to preach the Old Testament version of fire and brimstone.”
Sociologist Amy Lane believes most Evangelical Christians actively avoid talking about Jesus.
“Jesus has really taken a backseat in modern Christianity. The most devout followers of Jesus think he’s just a white guy who came from a ‘good’ part of Italy. But we are talking about a Middle Eastern man who preached ‘woke’ values so much that it got him killed,” said Lane. “Fox News would label Jesus a ‘radical lunatic’ if he were preaching his gospel today. I’m sure he’s rolling around in his grave right now seeing how his words were bastardized, but let’s be real, he probably never actually existed anyway and all the shit he said was made up to be a form of social control.”
At press time, Whipple proudly displayed a new version of his Trump Bible with all the teachings of Trump highlighted in a tacky gold color.