WASHINGTON — Congressional lawmakers reached a new bipartisan consensus to allow their caretakers to vote on their behalf, confirmed sources who weren’t terribly surprised by the whole ordeal.
“As a lifelong government official, I understand the significance of allowing my congressional vote to count long after I lose basic cognitive and motor functions,” said 91-year-old Senator Chuck Grassley. “Society must continue to drive forward, no matter how much the smell of encroaching death emanates from within me. With that philosophy in mind, the Granger Act will allow our caretakers to guess how we would’ve voted for a bill and make it count. And if they aren’t sure which way we’d vote, all they need to do is check our corporate donor list and just do what they would do.”
Caretakers, on the other hand, aren’t so eager about this legislative change.
“It was stressful enough to have to listen to an old senator yell at me for not warming up her soup to her liking while she was having visions of the ghosts of Elvis Presley and Buddy Holly haunting her with an ear-shattering duet,” said local nurse Lydia Firestein. “But now we have to vote on which civil liberties our patients want to chip away? Which arms shipments to kill civilians they want our tax dollars going toward? No thanks. I already miss the old days when all I had to do was vote every four years, only to see it not count whatsoever because of the Electoral College.”
Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has her own concerns with the recently passed bill.
“We might be able to get the Green New Deal through the gridlock in a few decades at this rate! Maybe after enough cities and coastal towns sink into the seas, I guess,” said Rep. Ocasio-Cortez. “If these Boomers won’t voluntarily retire at a reasonable age, we’re going to start seeing more and more of this self-preservation of power. Half of these ghouls already have their caretakers voting for them. Don’t be surprised if we also have their funeral home director, casket maker, and ditch digger lined up to vote for them as well.”
At press time, Congress was already amending the bill to allow caretakers to vote on their behalf for a good 100 years after they’ve passed.