GLENDALE, Calif. — Local 37-year-old man Dan Dweyer recently added the word “storyteller” to his Instagram bio despite frequently engaging in the conversational technique known as mansplaining, sources report.
“I just think it’s about time I let people know that the oral tradition is really a part of my craft,” Dweyer, who is an out-of-work actor, noted. “I’m not merely a man who once was on television for a small, non-speaking role; I’m a man who weaves tales of the human experience using my unique perspective. I’ve had a few dates tell me that ‘storytelling’ is a distinct artistic practice, but I took the time to carefully and painstakingly explain to them that the spoken arts are actually anything you want them to be.”
One of the dates in question was barista Evangeline Walters, who shared her romantic experience with Dweyer.
“Look, I’m not trying to be rude, but this guy is literally trying to rebrand not shutting the fuck up into some pretentious theater kid thing,” said a visibly irritated Walters. “I could not finish a complete sentence during that date. He asked me what I did for a living and three words in he interrupted me to ask if I’d ever been with a man who is ‘continuing the timeless work of passing down legends to the next generation.’ He then fully mansplained the difference between a server and a barista once I was able to answer his original question like, a half hour later.”
Psychologist Dr. Anne Karth provided her expert opinion on Dweyer’s condition.
“Mr. Dweyer seems to be exhibiting the classic symptoms of a man who is deluding himself into believing he lives a far more interesting life than he actually does,” said Dr. Karth from her weirdly sterile office. “His insistence on centering ‘storytelling’ as part of his creative and professional identity, despite having no real experience in that exact thing and, in fact, relying on steamrolling casual conversations to feel smart, shows that his psyche is profoundly damaged. My professional treatment plan would be to sell him on some sort of silent retreat by telling him it will connect him with his inner meditative guru. It may be the only way to prevent him from calling himself a ‘visionary’ next.”
At press time, Dweyer was seen practicing slam poetry.