COLLEGE PARK, Ga. — Christian fast food chain restaurant Chick-fil-A announced its intent to have all of its meat sourced from humanely crucified chickens by 2029, sources report.
“This exciting new development is just further proof that Chick-fil-A is the premier devout chicken restaurant in the United States,” said CEO Andrew Truett Cathy. “Before the decade is over, our customers will enjoy our top quality sandwiches and salads knowing that each piece of meat comes from poultry that has been slaughtered in the same way as their Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Of course, we will follow strict adherence to humane standards as issued by the Global Animal Partnership in doing this, which will ensure each cut is of the highest standard as outlined in the New Testament. Our new menu will be rivaled only by the Holy Communion when it comes to food that gets you into Heaven.”
Chick-fil-A customer Hugo Haddiful was concerned about the change but not enough to make the switch to KFC.
“I suppose the humane part is a good thing, but why on Earth do the chickens need to be nailed to a cross first?” Haddiful said. “I suppose anything would be an improvement over the factory farming currently used by fast food restaurants, but in this case, I’m not so sure. How exactly can you ‘humanely’ crucify a chicken, and do they even have a wingspan sufficient enough to spread across a crucifix? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m still going to eat at Chick-fil-A, but I’d be happier knowing that they were just torturing and killing the chickens in a more conventional manner.”
Factory farmer Dana Gillespie wasn’t pleased with the new initiative.
“I really wish someone from Chick-fil-A corporate would’ve checked with me before they announced such an ambitious undertaking,” Gillespie complained. “I mean, I’m the one who will be tasked with all these crucifixions. Will Chick-fil-A be supplying the crosses and nails needed to do this? I’m not sure they thought through how expensive and time-consuming this will be, and I can’t even imagine how much each sandwich is going to cost when it’s all said and done. It would’ve been nice if I’d been made aware of all this before I contracted with them, but now it’s too late. I guess I’ll have to limber up my arm so I don’t pull a muscle swinging the hammer.”
At press time, Cathy clarified that the “humane” part would not apply to chickens suspected of homosexuality.
