CHICAGO — Teenager Liam Mason is desperately holding out hope that Riot Fest’s mystery lineup will include a reunion of his bitterly divorced parents, sympathetic sources report.
“They haven’t confirmed the lineup yet, but I just know they’re working to get Mom and Dad back together! ” declared Mason, shoving a Replacements tee shirt into his backpack for a weekend at his father’s apartment. “I have to be there to see it, and I finally got a ticket! I’ve been walking dogs, mowing lawns, and donating plasma to save up. If anyone can make Mom and Dad love each other again, it’s the same people who made Jawbreaker tolerate each other again.”
The organizers of Riot Fest have remained unwilling to confirm or deny their ability to reconcile the Masons’ irreconcilable differences.
“The Riot Fest team has reunited bands; we’ve never fixed a broken marriage. Believe me, we’ve tried,” stated representative Kristen Anderson. “I read about Tom and Jen’s divorce in the paper — nasty stuff — but I’ve never actually met them. I don’t know why Liam thinks we can fix his dad boinking a waitress. Why would we do that? Are people going to buy shirts that say ‘I Saw Tom & Jen Get Un-Divorced at Riot Fest 2025’? Are people going to buy stickers that say ‘It’s Not Liam’s Fault – Tom & Jen’s Un-Uncoupling – Riot Fest’? Actually, those would go like hotcakes; I think I have something to add to this year’s lineup.”
Riot Fest is known for its history of soothing acrimonious breakups.
“When Riot Fest reached out to me to get back with Misfits in 2016, I tried kicking them to the curb,” Glenn Danzig explained between sets of dead-lifting vintage comic books. “Their message of unity through rioting got through to me, though. Riot Fest’s values should ring true for marriages, too. I’ve spent so long crafting my perfect body that I forgot love is stronger than any muscle, and also that the abyss of a lonely future is scarier than any ghost, ghoul, or even goblin. The corporate team at Riot Fest reminded me of that with their kind words and giant paycheck. For both Liam’s sake and his parents’, I hope they can find the love that once brought them together.”
At press time, Mason’s parents were seen rehearsing for an undisclosed event with their original divorce attorneys.