CUPERTINO, Calif. — Apple CEO Tim Cook announced that the tech giant would begin harvesting beloved Saturday morning cartoon icon Captain Planet for rare minerals necessary to produce the next generation of iPhones, environmental sources confirmed.
“While we appreciate everything that Captain Planet has done for the world, the incoming Trump administration’s environmental deregulation will open up a free-for-all for precious rare mineral resources we need for the new iPhone. Simply put, either we strip-mine Captain Planet or our competition will,” said Cook, unveiling Captain Planet gagged and tied to a chair. “But fear not, for his mineral contributions will not be in vain, as it will allow us to release three iterations of the new iPhone 17. And to our shareholders, I leave you with this message: the power is yours!”
Longtime Planeteer James Wheeler claimed that while he will miss the environmentally-friendly superhero, he understands it’s for the good of consumers everywhere.
“Look, me and Captain Planet go way back, but this guy on Joe Rogan made a compelling case about climate change being a hoax and I don’t appreciate being lied to all those years by some preachy liberal in red booty shorts—I say he’s got it coming,” said Wheeler, turning his MAGA hat backward. “Plus my fire ring melted my last phone and I really want that iPhone 17 Pro Max Plus. I hear they’re moving the charging port two millimeters to the left—game changer, bro. Besides, once Elon gets us to space, there’s bound to be a Captain Mars there that can help us send all the hurricanes to China or some shit.”
Environmentalist Paul Johansen voiced concerns that the unregulated mining could spell disaster for other ‘90s Saturday morning TV shows.
“Between the news of unrestricted mining of Captain Planet and the Trump administration signaling they’ll appoint Dr. Blight to head the Environmental Protection Agency, this sets a worrying precedent for the next four years. I’m concerned that if trends continue, they’ll soon open bids for fracking rights on Fraggle Rock,” said Johansen, reading a report on climate-induced muppet immigration patterns. “Sesame Street can only take so many Fraggle migrants, and before you know it we’ll have an environmental disaster and a muppet refugee crisis on our hands.”
At press time, Nestle had successfully privatized Gi’s water ring to divert California’s entire water supply to their bottling plants.