DENVER — Local man Davey Hilton was “severely bummed” upon learning his new roommate, Nina McKenna, was the “intrusive thoughts” variety of OCD, instead of the more “useful,” “clean freak” OCD, offended sources confirmed.
“When Nina revealed their OCD diagnosis to me, I was stoked. Not because they trusted me enough to share some deeply personal information, but because I assumed that meant our place was going to be immaculate,” said Hilton. “We’re talking finding crumbs in the shag carpet with a mustache comb ‘immaculate.’ Yeah, I know, OCD can be horribly debilitating, but that’s a small price I’m willing for Nina to pay to have a clean place. But turns out, Nina is more the ‘what if I jump out this window,’ or ‘what if I scream a racial slur on this subway car’-type OCD. I didn’t even know that was a thing.”
McKenna was understandably frustrated by Hilton’s insensitivity.
“I’m usually pretty open about my diagnosis and 99% of people are understanding and sympathetic. But Davey unfortunately had a very stereotypical view of what obsessive compulsive disorder looks like. He seemed genuinely pissed when he realized I wouldn’t be decluttering his bedroom on a weekly basis,” said McKenna. “Later, when I explained that one of my intrusive thoughts is losing control and touching a hot stove, he tried to ‘help’ by insisting the best way to deal with that is to wash the pans and load the dishwasher. He also once asked me if I could help him solve the case of the missing vape pen ‘Detective Monk-style.’ Do I look like Tony Shaloub, motherfucker?”
Psychologist Dr. Miguel Freeman elaborated on the ways various disorders are often misinterpreted.
“Pop culture has unfortunately given us many harmful portrayals of neurodivergence. But, as we learned from ‘Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer,’ we should accept people who are different, assuming their differences are useful to us,” explained Dr. Freeman. “A person’s true value in a capitalistic society comes from whether or not they can make money. I mean, what’s the point of being autistic if you can’t count cards? Or having an anxiety disorder if you’re not willing to be a charismatic New Jersey mafia don?”
At press time, Hilton has been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, to the surprise of no one.