NEW WINDSOR, Md. — Longtime cop enthusiast Lou Mandin seamlessly transitioned from a locally known bootlicker to a Trump sneaker licker after purchasing the former president’s new footwear for $399, sources confirmed.
“Believe me, if cops had an official line of sneaker I would own a dozen of them. Until then I will simply continue to donate 40% of my paycheck to my local enforcement by slipping it under their door in the middle of the night out of respect,” said Mandin. “Everyone tells me I’m a sucker for buying these gold sneakers. But would a sucker also have several MAGA hats, ‘Let’s Go Brandon’ shirts, Trump NFT, imitation Mar-a-Lago classified documents, Trump beach towel, a ‘Hillary for Prison’ flag displayed above his mantle, and a life-size painting of a shirtless and jacked Trump riding a velociraptor while firing two machine guns into the air? I don’t think so. Some people show their political support by voting. I do it by wearing the presidential candidate’s high-tops. Also, I’m not even registered to vote, so this is the best I can do.”
Acquaintances of Mandin were concerned with his willingness to hand over that amount of money for something so trivial.
“What a sad excuse for a human being,” said longtime coworker James Hedway. “You’re telling me this guy spent 400 bucks because the 45th president of the United States told him to? What a tool. That money could’ve been spent more wisely. For instance, he could’ve used that cash on a $100,000 philosophy degree like I did. Sure, I haven’t been able to use it as a career no matter how much I tried for a couple of weeks, but at least he’d have critical thinking skills like I do now. Only three more decades to pay this loan off. Seriously, what an idiot that guy is.”
Experts wondered why extolling authority at all costs seemed to be selective.
“Typically, conservatives admire authority figures on the local level as much as they do on the federal one, despite routinely feigning disdain for the government,” said political strategist Louisa Burbank. “They claim they don’t like to be told what to do, but they’ll certainly buy whatever they’re told to. It’s like they adore authority until they’re asked to wear a mask in public because it might help someone from spreading an illness that kills people. Then they’ll lose their minds. Scientists are still trying to decode the cognitive dissonance there.”
At press time, Mandin was seen printing out a Google image of Trump’s new sneaker to look at while he awaited for them to arrive.