WASHINGTON — President Biden stood firm in his refusal to step down and issued a long, incoherent, often confusing, warning to any Democrats looking to challenge his position, confirmed sources trying to decipher the ramblings.
“Listen Jack, you ain’t on easy street. In fact the street has the way that I lead is with a future that can’t take back and will take back with the great light of nutrition and determination,” said a visibly confused Biden. “Now is not the time to delegate, we need swift action or else the money is on the nightstand and you are a real sweet lady. This is what I know, the forgotten deli was where I made a fortune with the way the cookie crumbles. You got me? I want my message to be loud and windowless. United we shop at home from the office, divided we divide. It’s me, Joe Robin and Batman that will lead.”
Many prominent Democrats are increasing their calls for President Biden to step aside.
“I realized the President was in bad shape after our last phone conversation. He fell asleep four times over the course of the 15-minute call, and when he was awake he told me he keeps having a recurring dream with a bright light at the end of a tunnel with people whispering his name,” said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer. “I’ve also gotten word that his aides were instructed to keep him away from any televisions because he gets startled by the images on the screen. I hope President Biden makes the right choice and drops out of the race so he can live out the rest of his life peacefully, he probably only has a few weeks left.”
DNC Chair Jamie Harrison disagrees with most of the party elite.
“Do you know how much work it took to rig things so Biden actually got nominated? That shit wasn’t fucking easy and I’m not in the business of wasting time. And besides, I don’t give a fucking shit if Trump wins, we raise way more money when Republicans are in office anyway,” said Harrison. “Hell, let Trump burn things down. Nobody is going to give money to third-party candidates to stop the guy, being Blue leads to a lot of green if you catch my drift. And my house could use a new fucking pool.”
At press time, President Biden was attempting to show he was still fit for the job by providing a new physical fitness exam that says his heart is still technically beating.