AKRON, Ohio — A pair of bathing suit bottoms were called in to pick up an off-season shift this week after a local woman’s underwear failed to show up for work, sources confirmed.
“I was really surprised to get called this early in the year. It’s no infinity pool in Miami, but I’m up for whatever life throws at me,” said Emily Gartner’s bathing suit bottoms, reporting for duty. “I know I’m never the first pick for casual, day-to-day wear, so if she’s desperate enough to dig me out mid-January for jury duty, I know she’s in bad shape.”
Garments within Gartner’s laundry bag claimed they’ve been waiting for laundry day for at least two months.
“I’d love to go back to work, but she’s just not giving us any hours,” said one pair of archaic underwear, peering out from the bottom of a netted Ikea laundry bag. “We have what it takes to get the job done. I’ve been a leader in this squad for almost four years, and I have a lot of good days left in me, if she just gives me the chance.”
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Because most bathing suit bottoms spend a majority of their lives under a bed and inside a box labeled “Summer,” to be called up in the dead of winter is a huge undertaking.
“I had my doubts for sure. I’m entry level coverage, at best — water balloon fights, pool parties, that kind of thing,” said the bottoms following their shift. “This was a lot more responsibility than I’m used to. The other night, she hooked up with someone… and I could tell she was sort of put off by me. I just tried to fly under the radar and play it cool.”
For her part, Gartner believes the uncovered shifts stem from a problem with management, and has planned a three-hour trip to the laundromat later this week in hopes of boosting morale. But, Gartner had nothing but praise to offer the bottoms.
“It wasn’t ideal, but [they] did a great job,” said Gartner. “I’d love to ask them back for my next downward spiral.”
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Article by Dom Turek @dom_and_dahmer. Photo by Anya Volz @AnyaVolz.