MINNEAPOLIS — Local bartender Scott Wilson informed his coworkers he’d be taking an indefinite smoke break as he’d reached the point of exhaustion from ignoring patrons all day, witnesses have confirmed.
“People think I have it easy, that I just pour drinks and make small talk all day. But industry folks know that’s only like 2% of the job, the other 98% is avoiding eye contact with customers while curating a new playlist for the bar. And in that regard, today has been nonstop action. If I have to turn my back to another person asking for the check, I’m going to collapse,” said Wilson. “I’ve heard some customers griping, but I’d like to see them do my job and not prioritize making TikTok sketches over pouring beers. Unless they’re a hot goth baddie, they can wait 20 minutes between drinks.”
Barback Kevin Garrett noticed how Wilson possessed such a low drive to do literally anything.
“When I first started I thought this was one of those themed establishments where they treat you like crap on purpose, so I was still laboring under the delusion that I’d work my way up to bartender by busting my ass. Scott is proof that acting aloof and openly talking shit with coworkers is how you make it in this industry,” said Garrett. “If this job has taught me anything, it’s that meritocracy is bullshit and you can get away with doing less than bare minimum if you’re hooking up the general manager with adderall. If he asks me to change the channel on the TV while he swipes through Hinge again, I’m stealing his tips.”
The bar’s owner has noticed a cultural shift with his newer employee across all the establishments that he oversees.
“I have no idea where the hell all these lethargic hipster bartenders are coming from! They do realize it’s possible to socialize and work at the same time, right? Scott is like the sixth or seventh employee I’ve received complaints about being brushed off. And these are the same employees putting in copious amounts of mental health day requests,” said Earl Dawson. “For what it’s worth, the whole ‘look in every direction but me’ vibe is successful in the trendier urban settings. Something about being negged gets people in the door.”
After his break, Wilson announced he’d be leaving his coworkers to deal with the happy hour rush after seeing two people sitting at the bar.