BUFFALO, N.Y. — Punk band Dump Cumsters finally gained entry into Canada this morning after nine hours of explaining to border agents that their Canadian tour qualified as neither a meaningful business venture, nor a pleasurable experience, exhausted sources from the van confirmed.
“I don’t understand why they gave us the third degree about our purpose for entry,” said lead guitarist Toby Martinez, who carefully drafted the band’s official documentation for its $6,000 in equipment and $47 in anticipated earnings. “It’s stupid simple: we play to less than 10 people, collect as many loonies and toonies as we can from tip jars or that we find on the floor, and hope our drummer doesn’t die from alcohol poisoning before we play. What’s so hard to understand?”
“It’s like, ‘Business?’ ‘Pleasure?’ I don’t know… you tell me, assholes. It’s as if these dudes have never been in a punk band before,” added Martinez, finishing a bag of expired beef jerky.
Bassist Sean “Wiggles” Smith echoed Martinez’s sentiments.
“Yeah, this isn’t some spiritual mission,” said Smith, eating one of two dozen individually wrapped cheese sticks the band believes will suffice to get them through the 10-day stretch. “We drink whatever garbage beer a drink ticket will get us, sleep on some dirty blankets we have in the trailer, and hope the meth lab next to the parking lot we’re playing in the next day doesn’t blow up. I would rather be home with my dog, and my Xbox.”
For their part, the Canadian border patrol claimed they held no animosity against the American band, and merely needed to follow proper procedure.
“It’s my job to protect that border from sex traffickers, drug runners — you name it,” said agent May Hartwell. “So when you roll up declaring that you expect to make roughly 0.8 percent the value of the contents in tow, I get a little suspicious. It’s an international port of entry. Sorry, you can’t just waltz in because you know about poutine.”
At press time, members of Dump Cumsters were plotting to sneak gallons of unregulated maple syrup and a lone black bear cub back into America.