ABERDEEN, Wash. — Local bald man Louis Grayson woke up in disarray after it was clear he was having another bad skull day, confirmed sources who tried not to look directly at his scalp during conversation with him.
“I took a shower, blow-dried my skull, used some gel and hairspray, but nothing could hide the fact that my cranium looks like I just came off of a rollercoaster,” said Grayson while checking his appearance in a nearby store window. “Children are crying at the mere sight of me, old ladies are crossing the street the minute they notice it, and my friends refuse to be seen with me in public. No one ever talks about the pitfalls of male pattern baldness. We can’t all be Jason Statham, The Rock, or even Mr. Clean who wake up with perfectly precise noggins. Some of us are Lord Voldemorts with skull shapes that do the opposite of what we want that day. I don’t think I will ever visually recover from this.”
Friends of Grayson were sympathetic to his unfortunate circumstance.
“I totally get it. I have a bad ponytail day on a nearly weekly basis, at least that’s why I seemingly repel all women,” said Craig Benvers. “He kept blaming it on a cowlick, as if that made any sense. Then he said his barber messed up the head shave. This man is blaming everything but his own genetics. He needs to come to terms with the fact that he cannot leave the house on days like today. Bald men must not subject the general public to their gnarly heads.”
Experts had a few ideas to alleviate Grayson’s head issues.
“There are surprisingly some things a man can do if he’s having a bad skull day,” said stylist Joel Kramer. “For one, you can wear a wig. Sure, everyone will be able to tell, but bald men need to hide as much of their heads as humanly possible. When all else fails, we recommend the use of a fedora. No one will be focusing on your visibly unappealing hairless skull. They’ll be way more preoccupied with the fact that you look like an asshole, which is actually preferable to an objectively hideous cranium.”
At press time, Grayson was able to fix the issue by wearing a bald cap over his bald head.