SAN DIEGO — Local man and semi-frequent sex-haver Taylor Durham edited his 95-minute long playlist “Poon Tunez” yesterday while reluctantly accepting the limitations of his body after ejaculating mere seconds into the second track the evening before, disappointed sources confirmed.
“He pretty much came after the first song and kept going at it, like I wouldn’t notice. Well, surprise… I noticed,” Juliana Covey said, reflecting on the three-and-a-half minutes she housed his soft penis. “I should’ve known his dick was trash by how thoughtful, kind, and respectful he was on our dates — no guy is ever that nice unless he’s trying to compensate for something and just can’t afford a giant truck.”
The 23-year-old Durham attributed his failed sexual encounter to his partner’s misunderstanding of the night’s agenda.
“When I bring a girl home, I take her straight to Pleasuretown, baby. One way ticket — many stops. Juliana just left before things got really cookin’,” he said. “I always open with five minutes of a crowd favorite: the jackhammer… followed by three minutes of pretending I didn’t just cum. Next, we watch an episode of ‘The Office,’ so that’s 20 minutes right there. I go tend to my Farmville crops, eat a Gogurt for energy, and finally come back for the final 10 minutes of the playlist to do the damn thing.”
“Anyways, I don’t know why she’s complaining,” he added. “She moaned, ‘harder, faster’ so I did exactly that — I came harder and faster. I think she won’t forget it anytime soon.”
The encounter marks Durham’s 14th instance of premature ejaculation to the second track of the playlist: Lady Gaga’s Academy Award-winning track, “Shallow.”
“I really feel sorry for the guy. For the life of him, he can’t last longer than the first track,” said Rich Barnire, the NSA agent who watched all 14 encounters unfold via the webcam on Durham’s open laptop. “And now he’s inadvertently trained his body to blow a giant load to that song whenever he hears it. Normally, interference in the lives of citizens we survey is not permitted, but at this point, I do feel the need to provide some tactful and subtle assistance.”
At press time, Durham was spotted on hold with Geek Squad to determine how the “Poon Tunez” playlist was mysteriously deleted and replaced with the Minutemen’s 15-minute long album The Punch Line.