15. Death Ship
Why doesn’t Nicolas Cage do more space movies? Clearly the man can handle science fiction, but he seems very reluctant to go into space. Does he just not like zero gravity? Because there are ways to get around that, you know. One line of dialogue is all it would take. Anyways, in this episode it turns out they were dead the whole time. Look, this show is sixty years old – I’m not doing spoiler alerts.
14. The Hitch Hiker
A woman is stalked by a mysterious hitchhiker who continues to appear to her no matter how far down the highway she travels. Really the only issue with this one is that who wouldn’t immediately pick up Nicolas Cage if he were stranded on the side of a desert highway?
13. To Serve Man
When a race of superintelligent, nine-foot-tall, telepathic aliens arrive on earth with the seemingly altruistic goal of “serving man,” it leaves the audience wondering “if you’re real goal was just to secretly eat people, then why would you carry around a cookbook on their home planet and then forget it at the motherfucking United Nations of all places?” Shit, how do you even have a cookbook pre-prepared already? Is there “man” on other planets you tried out some rough recipe drafts on or something? And you’re clearly technologically better than us, so why the subterfuge at all? Yes, this episode really doesn’t hold up under scrutiny. But having Academy Award-winning actor Nicolas Cage take on the role of a superintelligent, nine-foot-tall, telepathic alien is more than enough to get us to overlook a few minor plot holes.
12. The Invaders
The invaders were the US Air Force. And the beleaguered hill woman in the log cabin was some kind of extraterrestrial giantess. Yeah, a lot of the time these episodes aren’t really that subtle. But haven’t you always wanted to see Nic Cage defend his log cabin from tiny spacemen?
11. Two
Of all of the post-apocalyptic imaginings this show had to offer (and by the metric of this ranking alone there have been so fucking many of them), the post-apocalyptic love story framework might at first glance seem the most incongruous. Two soldiers from opposite sides of a civilization-ending war meet and, working through past prejudices and a language barrier that is never explained, eventually decide to face the inevitable end of the world together. It’s originally acted in by “Death Wish” badass Charles Bonson and the biggest improvement that might be made by recasting his role with Nicolas Cage is that Cage actually does have an American accent. As this episode is an allegory for US / Soviet relations Bronson is kind of a jarring choice to be the American in the room.
10. Living Doll
If ever you are threatened by a talking doll that only you are able to hear, best case scenario you need serious psychiatric care. Regardless, in that situation it doesn’t matter whether you’re beacon of sanity and even temperament Nicolas Cage or just his maladjusted doppelganger Frickolas Gauge, run the fuck away from that creepy ass doll and get yourself a prescription for lithium as soon as possible.
9. The After Hours
Mr. Cage might at first seem an odd choice to play a sentient mannequin. But realizing just how loudly and uncautiously Anne Francis goes about trying to uncover just why in the fuck she’s being toyed with in a world in which everyone but her knows what’s going on but somehow still believes she’s the sane one – yeah, this is exactly the role for a bug-eyed and coked-up ‘90s Nic Cage.
8. The Mirror
Hey! Speaking of bug-eyed and coked-out, Columbo is in this episode! Yeah dude, Peter Falk plays the leader of a central American paramilitary group who overthrows his country’s dictatorial government only to find himself transformed into a dictator all the same. Also, he has a magic mirror on the wall which shows him his true enemies… what?! Okay, so admittedly this episode probably could have used another look over at the draft stage. But still, Nic Cage as the leader of a military junta who rapidly descends into a pit of paranoia and madness, shit this couldn’t be more obvious.
7. The Monsters Are Due on Maple Street
Hey! Speaking of descending into paranoia and madness (man, I am killing it with these transitions right now), “The Monsters Are Due on Maple Street” is a classic Twilight Zone episode where a quiet suburban street briefly loses power and naturally everyone loses their goddamn minds in the span of about four hours. Though many of the original actors in this episode struggle with realistically portraying falling into the grips of insanity over the course of a dull Thursday afternoon, when Nicolas Cage takes over the main role they’ll be wondering why it could have ever even taken them that long to go completely batshit.
6. The Dummy
In this one you have your choice: Nic Cage can either play the ventriloquist with the drinking problem or the malevolent dummy that came to life. Either way, that makes for one hell of an episode, folks.
5. The Howling Man
A bizarre sect of secluded monks have got a man who they claim to be the devil held prisoner in their monastery, and the only thing keeping him locked up is a ridiculously fragile crucifix barred across his cell door. Here’s another choice episode where you can decide between having Mr. Cage play the devil or just the hapless goon who inadvertently frees him. Personally, we’d go devil – because while any role Nicolas Cage decides to play is going to be monumental, playing the actual Prince of Darkness might spur the religious population to write some new scripture once they get to see how he interprets the character.
4. It’s a Good Life
When you watch this episode, you must remember to always think happy thoughts. Because in this episode lives a monster – a monster named Nicolas Cage. If you do not think happy thoughts about this monster or his lifelong commitment to the craft of acting, he’ll sue you for bankrupting his spendthrift ass and then attack your head with the receiver of a rotary phone. Then, we’re afraid, it’ll be off to “the cornfield” for you – the cornfield of course is a nondescript area in Iowa where all of the unsold DVDs of “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice” are buried in a shallow grave.
3. Nightmare at 20,000 Feet
Once again we have legendary ham William “Pork Chops” Shatner making an appearance on this list. And just like the first time, anything ol’ Porky Shats can do Nicky Cage can do oh so much better. To be fair, Shatner’s patented overacting does work incredibly well in this episode as a man having a nervous breakdown on an airplane because the weird BDSM bear man from “The Shining” is destroying the engines and no one believes him. But imagine if that role were instead played by the same man whose crazy ass face from “Vampire’s Kiss” is the meme shorthand for, well, dude with a crazy ass face. Fuck, Cage may actually believe gremlins do exist for real! Somehow Vanity Fair always seems to forget to ask that question.
2. Time Enough at Last
On the other side of the acting spectrum, Cage knows how to do subtlety. We aren’t arguing that he necessarily likes to do subtlety, but when the occasion calls for it the man most certainly has the acting chops and then some to portray a beleaguered bank clerk who wants nothing more from life than to curl up with a good book and be left alone by his needlessly bitchy boss and wife. Of course then the apocalypse happens and he wants nothing more than to survive armageddon long enough to read literally every goddamn book he can get his hands on. If only he weren’t such a klutz he would have pulled it off too – but the apex of Nicolas Cage acting his ass off in a scene has to be him as a meek and ruined man crying over spilled eyeglasses.
1. Five Characters In Search of an Exit
Five characters, an army major, a ballerina, a bagpiper, a tramp and a clown, awaken in a bare room with no memory of who they are or how they got there and no way to get out. The episode is wall-to-wall character study and philosophical exposition – and you know Nicolas Cage is gonna love the fuck out of every minute of it. In our version though, we picture Mr. Cage as playing every role, ala Mike Myers in “Austin Powers 2: The Spy Who Shagged Me.” Picture Nic Cage as a desperate and pragmatic army man trying everything he can to maintain decorum against impossible odds, then playing that off of Nic Cage as a nihilistic clown who just wants to give up on everything and play with his tiny tricycle for eternity. Nicolas Cage as a goddamn ballerina! Need we say more to convince you? This may not be the most well known “Twilight Zone” episode, but it’s certainly the one that would be most improved by having Nicolas Cage oscillate between screaming wildly about being trapped in hell to sentimentally sobbing about hope in the face of a brutalist reality. Now does anyone know who is in charge of Rod Serling’s estate these days? Because we definitely have an idea to pitch whoever still owns the rights to this show.
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