NORTH HALEDON, N.J. — Local failure Max Kugler was reportedly sighted practicing his ollies at the Haledon Skate Park on Saturday night in a last-ditch effort to attract women, unimpressed sources confirmed.
“No woman can resist the dangerous charm of a bad boy on a beat-up skateboard,” said Kugler while struggling to maintain balance. “I mean, I just bought this board yesterday so I had to throw it in the dirt and scratch it up on a parking block to make it look like I know what I’m doing. Once I learn to land a kickflip it’s game over. Sure, all my exes thought it wasn’t attractive that I’m still living in my parent’s basement, but when some gorgeous gal sees me grinding down a rail at the 7-Eleven, she’ll forget all about that other stuff. These chicks are going to be too distracted by the pure sexual musk of my skateboard sweat to be thinking about the fact that my mom dropped me off here.”
Local punk Camila Ortega witnessed Kugler’s pathetic display in various local hot spots.
“Earlier today I saw him completely eat shit when he tried to ride over a speed bump in the mall parking lot. I think he hurt his wrist pretty bad and he might have been crying,” said Ortega. “Most women his age are already over their ‘gross skateboarder’ phase, so it seems like he’s wasting his time. Even dudes that are good at skateboarding need to learn that having a solid tre flip isn’t enough for you to be interesting.”
According to Dr. Bethany Davis, an expert in the psychology of aging millennials at Brown University, this kind of behavior is not rare amongst desperate men.
“This is a common mistake for men approaching their thirties,” said Davis. “During a recent case study, we found that men having a quarter-life crisis will stoop to embarrassing measures to attract women, whether it’s taking up skateboarding, starting a ska band, or starting a podcast about conspiracy theories. Unfortunately, one hundred percent of these efforts result in failure to obtain a girlfriend.”
At press time, Kugler was back at home recovering and making a promise to himself that this is the year he finally tries stand-up comedy.