10. Dabbler Smurf
Dabbler Smurf is one of the lesser-known Smurfs, and for good reason. He really sucks. This guy can’t stick to a single job, he always butts in and thinks he knows how to do things that he doesn’t, and he always eats all the good cheese at charcuterie night. Still, the less a Smurf does Smurf things, the closer he gets to salvation, so he’s pretty high up on the list.
9. Finance Smurf
What, are you surprised that the money-obsessed Smurf is actually near getting into Heaven? Prosperity gospel shit is real, God likes a guy with a lot of liquid cash on hand.
8. Hogatha the Evil Witch
Shockingly, an evil witch is closer than almost any Smurf to being accepted into the ranks of angels, which just goes to show you how fucking disgusting those blue bastards are. Hogatha could slit the Pope’s belly open on the Sabbath, and she’d still have a better chance than, say, Chef Smurf.
7. Wild Smurf
Just after being born, the Smurfs lost a baby. A fucking baby, can you believe that? That baby went on to be raised by squirrels and lacks many of the revolting traits of those little guys. As such, Wild Smurf is untouched by many negative Smurf traits and will at least be allowed to dwell in Purgatory. It’s like the glowy white space at the end of Harry Potter, but with fewer wizards.
6. Lazy Smurf
Although sloth is indeed one of the deadly sins, Lazy Smurf actually has a chance to walk through the Golden Gates because he’s too lazy even to be all that lazy. He’s so lazy, he fell asleep trying to take a nap! He’s sooo lazy, his favorite food is couch potatoes! Thanks, folks, you’ve been a great audience!
5. Papa Smurf
Ah, the patriarch of the clan and, ultimately, the architect of all their misery. His failure to prevent the Smurfs from being constantly terrorized and harassed by their enemies pleases God, who sees something of himself in this white-bearded little freak. At the very least, he could chill out in Heaven for a while.
4. Hefty Smurf
The strongest of the Smurfs could tear apart the gates of Heaven itself and wrestle the Archangel Michael into submission, which even Lucifer himself was unable to do. He could force his way into paradise and remake existence in his own image if he chose. He’s too good of a guy to do that, though, so they’ll probably just let him in.
3. Dopey Smurf
This little idiot is just adorable. He’ll get in, for sure.
2. Harmony Smurf
Harmony Smurf is the official musician of Smurf Village, and he shall be the one to blow the trumpet that announces the resurrection of the dead at the end of times. He’s not very good at it, but the Archangel Gabriel died of pancreatic cancer in the 16th century, so God needs someone around who can handle some horn playing.
1. Gargamel
Above all His creations, God treasures Gargamel the most. Although he has strayed from the righteous path and practices the forbidden arts of magic and alchemy, he was made in God’s image. Like Gargamel, God has powers and plans that defy human understanding. Like Gargamel, God wears a robe all the time. Like Gargamel, God desperately wants to eat a Smurf. One day, the wizard will be redeemed and sat beside the Lord himself in Heaven. Every time he successfully kills a Smurf, an angel writes Gargamel’s name in the Book of the Righteous.
Heaven loves you, Gargamel. We’ll see you soon.
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