Ever since the little blue creatures originally known as “Les Schtroumpfs” were introduced in a Belgian comic book for weirdos in 1958, humanity has had only one question: what happens to a Smurf when it dies?
Clearly, these tiny mushroom dwellers and their supporting characters are creations outside of God’s plan, and their very existence is an abomination to the All-Highest, the Divine Spirit, Amen. But our God is a merciful deity, and, with His grace, even a Smurf may someday be bathed in the eternal light of Heaven.
It’s sure as fuck not likely, but it could happen.
25. Vanity Smurf
This practically goes without saying, but Vanity Smurf, perhaps the most conceited being in the universe, will never, ever be given permission to enter Heaven. His entire being is centered on the seventh deadly sin, known as Vanagloria. Due to his insistence on carrying a mirror everywhere he goes and definitely not because he’s coded in any other way, Vanity will burn in Hell forever.
24. Greedy Smurf
Much like his compatriot (or maybe brother or cousin? It’s hard to tell) Vanity, Greedy’s existence is based on one of the capital vices, and he will not be safe in Heaven when the Apocalypse comes, and all is razed in fire and water. Surprisingly, his sin is not actually greed but instead gluttony. Little motherfucker loves to eat.
23. Brainy Smurf
Brainy Smurf wears glasses, and that alone should cast him down to the Pit with the fallen and the nosepickers. But he also teems with arrogance, sure that his delvings into the pathetic “scientific” workings of the known world will somehow save him from damnation. They will not. You have only learned what you must be afraid of, Brainy.
22. Scaredy Smurf
Scaredy Smurf is a gutless coward, much like the traitor Judas or Luigi from the Super Mario games. God likes courage. God demands courage. He will not suffer those who are scared of a mere volcano, as Scaredy was in “The Sky Is Smurfing! The Sky Is Smurfing!” In fact, God is in favor of volcanos. When you toss stuff in one, it totally belongs to God after that.
21. Painter Smurf
Try to raise an imitation of the Lord’s creation through mere inks and canvas, will you? Saint Peter shall never call you a friend, Painter Smurf, and your name will be forgotten along with so-called artists like Michelangelo, Thomas Kinkade, and what’s-his-name. You know, the guy who always liked drawing things and stuff? Anyway, he’s in Hell now.
20. Smurfette
Smurfette is not a true Smurf. That is actually a couple of points in her favor, as being one of those blue weirdos starts you out behind. However, she has blonde hair, and as we all know, blondes have more fun. Fun leads to Hell. If you go to Hell, you don’t get into Heaven. See how that works?
19. Grouchy Smurfy
You’d think that being Grouchy is a sin, but it’s really not. As far as God is concerned, you can get into Heaven even if cows, rotten smurfistroni, and gold all make you grouchy, much as they do to this particular unhappy entity. However, Grouchy Smurf once drowned a man because he was feeling annoyed. He’s a straight-up murderer.
18. Azrael
Azrael the cat was named after the Angel of Death, who bears the scroll of the Living and the Dead and will someday bring us all from this benighted world into what comes after. This cat is kind of a little bitch, though, and makes fun of his owner, so he’s getting the same treatment as Garfield: straight to Hell!
17. Alchemist Smurf
Alchemy is forbidden by God, as are all forms of witchcraft, sorcery, and baseball. This Smurf has spent his entire life trying to become like unto the Lord, able to transmute dross matter to gold and other dumb shit like that. It hasn’t given him a lot of time to sin, though, so he might glimpse the hem of an angel’s robe before he’s torn apart by demons.
16. Clockwork Smurf
Clockwork Smurf is basically a robot created to do chores for his creator, Handy Smurf, which is totally God’s thing, and he doesn’t like it when people muscle in on his turf. Regardless of that, Clockwork has no soul and never shall have one. Even the concept of Heaven is alien to this aberration of Divine law.
15. Submariner Smurf
The Submariner Date 116619 wristwatch is actually just nicknamed “the Smurf” because of its blue Cerachrom bezel, a fine piece of craftsmanship by the good people at Rolex. However, watches don’t get to go to Heaven. They have a separate afterlife, which you will never know more of. Let’s move on.
14. Dreamy Smurf
To dream is to doubt reality, the very fabric of God’s creation. Thus, Dreamy Smurf will never truly be able to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, but paradoxically, his ability to fantasize about things he will never do makes him closer than many others of his cursed species to be able to imagine eternal paradise. Sucks for you, Dreamy.
13. Scruple
Scruple, the apprentice magician, will never know the peace of God’s Kingdom because of the whole magic thing. However, he’s double screwed because he’s from New York, and it’s extra difficult for New Yorkers to get into Heaven. It has something to do with the water there, we don’t really know why it’s such a big deal.
12. Nosey Smurf
The only way Nosey will kneel before the throne of the Almighty is if he finds some really, really good dirt on his fellow Smurfs and snitches on them. Heaven isn’t like prison, if you find out some nice juicy gossip, you gotta tell God first thing. He really doesn’t like being the last to know.
11. Bigmouth
Bigmouth the Ogre doesn’t have any friends, and you need to have friends to get into Heaven. It’s a buddy system thing.
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