WASHINGTON — 19-year-old Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) agent Braden Wakefield found himself running short on reasons for why he can’t hang out with his boss Elon Musk, sources report.
“I’m really starting to panic here,” Wakefield admitted. “I woke up to dozens of texts this morning from Mr. Musk asking if I wanted to come over and play ‘Path of Exile 2’ on Saturday night, and I can’t think of a single excuse that I haven’t already used. I’ve made up the deaths of all four of my grandparents, as well as a house fire and emergency surgery for my parents’ cat. I told him last weekend that I had car troubles and he bought me a brand new Cybertruck to use. Thankfully, it completely died for no reason after I had driven it for less than a quarter mile. If I don’t think of something fast, I’m actually going to have to go to his house.”
Musk didn’t quite take the hint.
“Yeah, I’ve been trying to get the bros together to hang out since inauguration,” Musk said as he repeatedly checked his phone for texts. “I can tell how pumped they are to hang out with me by the way they kind of smile and nod when I make hilarious jokes around them. The other day, I did an amazing impression of Ron Burgundy from ‘Anchorman’ during a meeting, and you should’ve seen their faces. I just know they’d be my best friends even if I wasn’t paying them to have unfettered access to sensitive government information, so we’re going to have a really great time once I can get the gang together.”
Social scientist Rashida Garis provided her expertise on Musk’s social ineptitude.
“I see this all the time with repugnant men who find themselves in positions of power,” Garis offered. “It’s obvious to everyone around Musk that he’s a putrid excuse for a human being, but in his eyes he’s the coolest guy on Earth and people are clamoring to spend time with him. He may be the most glaring example, but I’ve conducted case studies with similar situations involving Donald Trump Jr., and just look at Ted Cruz. He actually started a podcast because he thinks people enjoy speaking with him.”
At press time, Wakefield considered telling Musk he had COVID, but immediately dismissed it because neither he nor Elon believe it to be real.