The internet is buzzing with excitement over the next new craze in the coffee world: pour over coffee made entirely with flavored La Croix sparkling water. The creation, named Caffe la Croix, is making waves in the coffee world, except that it isn’t, because the trend doesn’t exist. I made it up. You believed this, didn’t you? You’re such hipster scum.
Mary Greene, proprietor and manager of Roast Yrself Bean Coffee in Austin, TX, is the originator of the new trend. Don’t get excited, her shop is really named Mary’s Coffee, you affluent, gullible millennial. I bet you own a Supreme hat.
“I got the idea while rereading High Fidelity in my $3,800 loft studio apartment,” recounted Greene. “So while I was simultaneously drinking a Pamplemousse La Croix and an El Salvadorian single origin dark roast, I had a thought. What would these taste like combined?”
After a thoughtful pause, Mary continued. “The answer is: disgusting. No one should ever try. I didn’t. It’s not a thing humans should do. Get over yourself. I actually live in an affordable house in Hutto and I think Nick Hornby is mindless drivel. I would never read that shit. Stop taking Instagram pictures at Pitchfork Festival.”
Related: We Did a Blind Taste Test to See If These Hipsters Could Tell the Difference Between Pour-Over Coffee and a Big Spicy Tuna Melt
Frequent patron Jacques Couturier described his first Cafe la Croix experience:
“It never happened, because Cafe la Croix isn’t real,” described Couturier. “So take your trust fund money, start an indie-synth band, begin crafting free-trade vegan suspenders, and get the fuck away from me, you pretentious asshole. I will beat the shit out of anyone who describes anything as ‘postmodern’ within earshot of me. And for the record, my name is just John, you twat.”
Experts in the boutique coffee industry predict that the sun will render the Earth’s surface uninhabitable in about 1 billion years, effectively erasing any possibility of this trend that never existed and incinerating your obnoxious, vapid, life.
Article by John Danek @jjdanek
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