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I Will Not Support a Lazy River

So this is this water park you all wouldn’t shut up about, huh? This is not as amazing as you kids made it out to be. And what’s this about a “lazy river?” Sounds like a bunch of entitled snowflake bullshit to me. You won’t see me in that thing. In fact, it’s become clear to me that this generation has let the entire water park industry go to shit. No one knows how to have a good time anymore.

The first thing I saw when I got here was a kid in the wave pool getting a free hand out by a hard working employee of this place. I know you said he was a “lifeguard,” but I know a PC safe space when I see one. Learn to swim, kid. Back in my day it was an honor to drown in the wave pool.

You really want to go sit in a lazy river? That is insulting. I didn’t drive two hours to spend my hard-earned money so that a light current in a glorified pool can pass for something entertaining. What did I tell you when you asked me to use the cruise control on the way here? No way. This family earns its fun. It makes me sick to watch all these people leech off a man-made current someone else worked hard to create. No family of mine will encourage a lazy river.  

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I am thinking about going down that giant water slide, though. But they’ll have to turn the water jets off that run down the thing. I don’t want any of that bullshit lubrication helping me slide. I’m going down hard and dry. I’m not one of those “wetbacks” you see sitting back and getting a free ride.  

Nope, I’m a proud American, and these colors don’t run, even at the water park.

Article by Mark Roebuck @mark_roebuck