As millions of Americans are committing to a “Dry January” in earnest, millions more are realizing, “Hey, wait, what the fuck, I committed to being sober the entire month and my friend Bobby is just doing different drugs instead. Do I still have to do this?”
This recent backlash has led to protests and forced many to finally admit that, sure, they weren’t really planning to stop doing all of the drugs, they just weren’t going to drink IPAs for a month but still drink those THC seltzers you can finally get at the liquor store instead of having to cross state lines to that town that people only go to for the dispensary that looks kind of like a Forever 21 inside but smells better.
As we tried to learn more about this movement, we took to the streets to ask people why they were doing it. We couldn’t find anyone willing to talk to us, so we asked people back home instead.
The Hard Times: Lex, why are you doing this?
Honestly, I was just doing it to prove that I’m better than Sarah. She gave up mid-month, and I beat her by a day, so now I’m doing ‘Different Drugs Month’ too. Well, she doesn’t know that, so I’ll keep rubbing it in until she finds out.
Hey Bobby, we couldn’t find anyone else to ask about this. So what’s going on?
I was telling people I was doing Dry January. But I didn’t drink much anyway, and I was planning to smoke the same amount of weed. Maybe also try mushrooms. A few friends got upset when they found out, so I told them I was trying a new thing instead. That’s why I made up ‘Different Drugs Month.’
Learning that Bobby just casually made the whole thing up to cover his tracks was a pretty big blow to our own commitment to Dry January. But after thinking about it more, it just proves we’re better than everyone else. So if we’re the only ones actually doing this—and already so much better than everyone we know—it’s cool if we have like, A beer to celebrate, no?