Uncle Bill moved to South Carolina a few years ago to get away from Critical Race Theory even though he’s a single man with no children. He came back up for a visit recently, and to share with us a crucial discovery he made.
So, you know basic human decency? Like going about your day not being racist and homophobic, believing that sexism is wrong, and generally disliking the Nazis? Well, apparently conducting yourself like a normal human being actually makes you part of a dangerous, radical, anti-American cult called “the woke movement.” Who knew?
Uncle Bill could tell I had been brainwashed after I refused to yes-and his comment about our waitress being too fat, unlike the teenager working the next section over who he would “love to show a thing or two.” It turns out the acceptable reply to this is “Hell yeah brother, women are objects, especially when they are inappropriately young!” Instead, I did my best to ignore the comment, sipped my water, and tried to steer the conversation into less disgusting territory. That’s when my uncle realized “They” “Got me.”
Uncle Bill isn’t sure if I contracted the “woke mind virus” from the Covid vaccine or from learning that slavery happened in school but apparently, I’m one of the worst cases he’s ever seen.
The list of seemingly innocuous everyday things that, according to my uncle are actually part of the liberal conspiracy to enslave and eat children is staggering. Marvel movies: woke propaganda. Rainbow flags: sexual grooming and indoctrination of our children. Tipping waitstaff: communist woke bullshit.
Even having Bug Light in my fridge makes me complicit in a far-reaching liberal conspiracy. Pretty wild considering I only bought it because I knew he was in town and the dude had a Bud Light in his hand in literally every photo and memory I have of him.
Lucky for all of us, my uncle and a few of his gun buddies have formed a sort of club to tackle this problem. It’s not a militia. The group meets once a week at a secure undisclosed location where they do practice drills and house an unlicensed stockpile of weapons and ammunition for non-militia purposes. They analyze blueprints of local government buildings and compile lists of local business owners who are pro LGBTQ+ in case “shit goes down” in a way so not militia-like it would make your head spin. Thank god they’re keeping an eye on things.