Former cover band and current heist team, Joe G. Whiz and the Egg Heads, are saying they’ll release every hostage in this PNC Bank if they can name each founding member of pop-punk group Bowling For Soup, and correctly identify if they’re alive or dead without looking it up. I don’t know if we’re going to make it out of here alive.
Initially, everyone was worried about not even knowing what Bowling For Soup was, but Jon Wag, an aging millennial in a Reel Big Fish t-shirt, was able to help everyone remember the group was maybe a novelty act, or at least had songs featuring a nasal singer and inoffensive guitar riffs that could easily be confused with ten other bands releasing music at the time. Optimistic, the nine other people in the bank asked Wag if they were a fan and might know the requested information. However, the millennial shared “I was more of a Sugarcult fan.”
The group set about trying to jog their memories for any information that might help them leave the bank safely. Things stalled when Anne Pretz, a realtor, suggested the band was featured on the 2002 Spider-Man movie soundtrack, and Ken Tellorico, a drunk, rolled up the leg of his pants to show off his tattoo of the artists on that soundtrack and pointed to each one as he explained who they were and what their contribution was. After a lengthy diatribe on Saliva and Josey Scott, Karen and Dane Bergabogen, two parents in their 60s, recalled that the bassist was fat or used to be fat, or maybe had a big beard. Pretz suggested everyone try and guess what someone fitting that description might be named. Realizing the task was impossible, one person, Jerrod Tilins, a producer, mentioned he played bass, which prompted three others to mention that they play bass in some group. Hope rose that one of them played in Bowling for Soup, but the musicians were in local bands only.
Some ground was gained when Savvi Saturoaka, a barista, realized she remembered a cover song called “1985,” prompting everyone to remember and say, inexplicably, “something Madonna/ Way before Nirvana” in a half-singing, half-speaking voice. A singalong broke out, lifting spirits in the process. However, an issue arose when some people sang “Girl All the Bad Guys Want,” instead of “1985.” One lone voice, Kevin Marble, an architect, sang “Life After Lisa,” further confusing everyone as to who exactly Bowling for Soup were.
Apparently my fellow hostages have agreed their best course of action is to try and goad Joe G. Whiz or one of the Egg Heads to order a pizza, at which point they will shout their question in the hopes that the teen taking their order will have nothing but time to look up how alive a very early 00s pop band is.
When Mr. Whiz opened a window to do some lemon-flavored vaping, he was asked by a reporter about how one comes up with such a demand. “When you play the VFW, jam at weddings, or get the bar mitzvah hopping for over 20 years, you remember a lot of one-hit wonders. Bowling for Soup might be the onest of one-hit wonders.”
Rumor has it Mr. Whiz and company are rethinking their plan after being exhausted by how obvious everyone is being in their attempt to order a pizza and ask about the members of a US band that now plays mostly in the UK.