Meet Kevin Holloway, a one-of-a-kind person with such an encyclopedic knowledge of music that he claims he can name all the members of Oasis without the help of album liner notes or the internet.
No normal person can name all four members of Oasis. In fact, no one know if that’s even how many people are in the band. They know Liam and they know Noel and they don’t know which one is Liam or which one is Noel. The Beatles had “The quiet one, the baby face, the clown, and the cynic” – but all we know about Oasis is that they have two assholes with similar haircuts and, presumably, a drummer.
Under normal circumstances, if a person can name all the members of Oasis, there’s a 95% chance that individual is a musician who actually played in Oasis, but even that’s up for debate since nobody has ever talked to those mysterious other members of the band. Have people tried? Probably not, because why would you want to even bother? But if you need to track one of those guys down start with asking Kevin, because he can set you on the right path.
There are Oasis fans, then there are super fans, then there are people who can name the bassist. These people are “weirdos” – and they’re the subject of a new study at MIT.
“Oxford professor Robin Dunbar says people can only successfully keep track of 150 people, but this man is using up like 3% of that on lesser members of Oasis,” lamented Ph.D candidate Lagan Murphy. “They talk about Paul Arthurs and Paul McGuigan and sometimes a third person who isn’t named Paul. They’re a rare breed, primarily found hanging out in ‘90s-themed bars and working in the House of Commons. Mostly non-migratory, but they do make the occasional pilgrimage to Knebworth.”
And therein lies the problem. Americans shouldn’t know that “Knebworth” exists. They shouldn’t know about any town in Hertfordshire. It’s unnatural. But Kevin Holloway does – and that’s why Murphy has launched a campaign to have Holloway locked in captivity.
“He must be monitored at all times,” Murphy told reporters. “Not just because his brain is a medical marvel – but also to guarantee that he stops ruining parties by talking about Oasis.”