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We Tried Microdosing 5 Different Drugs and Now We’re Just Really High

The buzz about microdosing has been percolating into mainstream awareness for some time now. We’ve heard rumors about high powered CEO’s and Silicon Valley Wunderkinds using small amounts of hallucinogenic drugs to give themselves a creative edge for years now. But which drug has the most benefits? We decided to find out.

We got ourselves five of the most commonly microdosed substances and tried them for ourselves. Unfortunately, we took them all at once, and now we are simply very stoned.

Apparently 5 microdoses of drug equals one drug. Who knew? We probably should have spaced them out instead of taking them all at once. Man, we should not be at work.

Anyway, here’s a breakdown of the effects we think each of the drugs is having on our work performance and just be cool and act normal and this will all be over soon.


According to microdose advocates, consuming small amounts of LSD can help unlock creative potential and lead to approaching problems in new ways. I think I speak for all involved staff members when I say we are literally suffering from an abundance of creativity.

Ted, one of the interns we roped into this suicide mission, has definitely expressed alternative methods to problem solving. He has solved the “I don’t like wearing my tie around my neck” problem by wrapping it around his head and declaring himself to be “The Puzzle Master.” He has ingeniously created a physical barrier to the break room using his own body and is refusing entrance to anyone who can’t solve his “riddles” which so far have just been trivia questions about the show Outer Limits.

Psilocybin Mushrooms:

Recent studies have shown that Psilocybin help heal brain damage caused by trauma. Microdose advocates claim that the so called “magic mushrooms” can help unlock hidden creative potential. This is unfortunately hard to verify at the moment. When you’re on a cocktail of five different drugs (which the other team members and I have now dubbed “The Infinity Gauntlet”) it’s hard to tell which thing is doing what.

If I had to venture a guess, I would say that Ted’s break room wizard gambit demonstrates outside the box 3d problem solving attributed to LSD. Angela meanwhile, with her recent revelation that we should use our platform to get a dog elected president, is demonstrating “big picture” thinking that I assume is bolstered by magic mushrooms.


Probably should have found out what kind of pills they were. They are definitely doing a lot. Act calm.

Fucking Crack:

Honestly, I could microdose this stuff all day. Hey do you think Ted will narc us out?

Spray Paint:

Did we huff paint? Am I making that up? Ted and Angela have these big gold circles around their mouths so probably not.

Microdosing totally works. Yesterday I was a senior contributor to an online magazine. Today, I am the president of space itself. Be sure to check in next week for my article on macrodosing.