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We Spoke With Rivers Cuomo About What It’s Like To Be a Teen Growing Up in 2021

Everyone knows it’s hard being a teen. Between school and acne, being a teenager in America is almost as hard as being a pre-teen in America. Fortunately, we were able to get into the mind of the most teenage human being in existence, 50-year-old Weezer frontman Rivers Cuomo, to see how teens are dealing with growing up in 2021.

We tried sitting down with an actual teenager, but that thing was a nightmare.

The Hard Times: Thanks for taking some time to talk with us today.

Cuomo: Not a problem, homie. Wazzuuuuup?

Oh hey, we remember that! That’s hilarious, assuming it’s ironic. So, what do you think are some of the biggest problems facing teenagers today?

We just want to party, man. We wanna play guitar on the quad and find a cool girl that digs how nerdy we are. It would be a total drag if our parents started nagging us to take out the trash. Then we gotta put on some sad music.

Alright, sure. But what about modern things teens deal with, like social media, cancel culture and cyberbullying?

Oh dude, tell me about it. Bullies and jocks are the worst. Always stuffing me in lockers, giving me wedgies, and taking my lunch money. But I tell ya, once school is over, I’ll have all the time in the world with my D&D campaigns and KISS records. Maybe later I’ll jump on AOL Instant Messenger to talk to this girl I like in Japan.

Is that stuff still happening to you? Why are you so frequently around lockers? Wait, that’s not important. What about mass shootings? We literally have kids bringing guns to school and killing their classmates.

Ouch, that’s rough. I recommend everyone just hop in their rusty jalopy, get a double-double from In-and-Out, and head to the beach for a bonfire. Sure, the quarterback might pick on you now, but you and your band will make it big someday!

That is terrible advice. Today’s children are faced with a broken economy, civil unrest and global warming.

As long as the surf is up, us teens don’t have a care in the world. And thanks to all that global warming you’ve been so gloom-and-doom about, it’s nothing but high seas from here on out.