VH1’s “I Love the 80’s” is one of my favorite shows ever. Get a bunch of comedians, TV personalities, and pop historians together, then let the good times roll. And no single face left a more indelible mark on the recesses of my mind than guitarist Scott Ian’s.
His pink, purple, or green little cotton candy beard was a middle finger to expectation, fashion, and taste. And it’s been my lifelong dream to touch it. So I landed an interview with the man behind the beard and shot my shot.
THE HARD TIMES: Thanks for joining us Scott! Your beard is looking mighty natural today.
SCOTT IAN: Ha ha yeah, I haven’t been dying it much lately. It got to be annoying trying to keep it pink or green or whatever.
Hmm, I guess that’s ok. I’m more interested in the texture anyw-
What? What are you talking about?
I’ll just cut to the chase. Let me touch it? Please?! Please let me touch that fuzzy little marshmallow of a beard.
No, absolutely not.
Aw come on, it’s just begging for my fingers to dive through it. It looks like it tastes good.
No, and if you ask again I’m ending this interview.
Ok, well then. Fine. Whatever. So…. hmm, it says here you played in a band called Ant Tracks?
Anthrax, and we’re still around. You haven’t heard of Anthrax? Fine, you must not be a metalhead.
Yeah, not much. My favorite bands are Metallica, Megadeth, Testament, Exodus, Overkill, Annihilator, Voivod, Vektor, Exumer, Pantera, and Nuclear Assault.
And you’ve never heard of Anthrax? Ok, you’re fucking with me.
Nope. But I have a friend who is interning at Nuclear Blast records. If you give me a demo tape, I could pass it along to her?
Jesus, dude. We’ve already been on Nuclear Blast. You asshole.
[The rest of the 2-hour long interview has been redacted for length. We got back on track and covered topics such as the importance of heavy metal, dealing with loss and depression, and Ant Tracks’ upcoming album. Boring stuff like that. But what is notable is that when we were done chatting, I had bonded with Scott so much that we hugged. And you may not believe it, but when we pulled away, I felt his little tuft of chin velvet grace my shoulder and neck. And it was glorious. Electricity shot all over my body. It was everything I hoped it would be. My arms went up top for the hug so a few hairs of the beard also grazed the back of my hand. I can die happy now.]