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We Ranked the Top 10 Amazing Things You Could Have Done With Your Life but You Had Kids

Having a child is an experience you can’t comprehend until you’ve done it. So they tell me. I’m too busy doing cool shit.

Anyway, here’s ten fucking killer things off the top of my head that you could have done instead of having a family. But instead I did them because you’d be shocked at what you can afford when you didn’t shove a second mortgage out of your nether regions.

10. Got VIP Tickets to The Misfits Reunion – These things are expensive! So is raising your kid. Based on the complaints from my friends with kids, apparently a child costs approximately twelve billion dollars. You could see the Misfits every year until your kid turned 18 and that’d still only cost $18,000 (plus fees so maybe double that).

9. Spent Spontaneous Weekends in Jail – Since you don’t have to worry about some babysitter, you’ll be able to really let loose, which sometimes ends in spending a weekend in county. The DA’s going to drop it Monday morning anyway, so enjoy yourself without fear of pricey childcare bills!

8. Climbed Mount Everest Without Killing a Sherpa – Most Everest climbers who inadvertently killed a Sherpa are the climbers with kids. It’s the third leading cause of death in Nepal. Just saying.

7. Opened a Strip Club – So many people (men AND women) dream of building their own business full of naked people from scratch. Good luck doing that with a Saturday play date scheduled for 10am!

6. Invented Time Travel – Those extra hours spent in the lab would have led to discovering a way through black holes safely, thus unlocking unlimited advancements for the human race. Instead, the kids had to get to soccer. Nice work.

5. Bragged About Not Having Kids – You could write an article about how great not having kids are. A literary agent could read it and reach out. Then you pitch your four book fantasy series about a girl with magic powers. Boom, billionaire.

4. Been The Drunkest at Your 20th High School Reunion – Everyone gets hammered at the ten year, but the 20th? Bunch of squares in attendance. Except one person. That’s you. The person still throwing them back at last call.

3. Opened for Rise Against – Everyone knows they prefer to tour with childless musicians. Too bad you quit.

2. Gotten into Electronic Music – It kind of sucks but you never know. But you’d have the option and that’s the whole point. I’m almost done here. I’m gonna take a nap after that because I’m only responsible for myself.

1. Been The PTA President Because You Wanted To – With no sense of obligation you could have made a kick-ass PTA President. You’d be corruption-free and impartial. That’s what I told my local PTA when I drunkenly stormed their last meeting. Fortunately I don’t have kids, otherwise this trip to county would have been expensive.