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We Rank the Top 8 Metallica Songs My Wife Is Mad I Got the Wedding Band to Play

Anyone who’s ever been to a wedding can tell you the music is the main attraction. That’s why I poured a significant amount of research into finding the perfect list of Metallica songs that pissed off my wife on my big day. Oh sorry, I mean, our big day. Sure.

Fixxxer – An essential Metallica tune to pay the band extra to play at any wedding. The lyrics in this one speak volumes given the context. “Fix this hole in a mother’s son” relates heavily to all those times my wife said she felt like she had to be my mother. So why didn’t she stay in the fire hall to hear the whole thing?

St. Anger – We all remember the video for this one. Metallica plays in a prison to entertain the inmates. Original concept; tight song. So crack out those dancing shoes and maybe see if you can get my wife to come out of the woman’s bathroom for a minute to hear how amazingly they nailed that iconic snare sound.

Trapped Under Ice – Just a dope song. No second meaning. Rock on.

One – I had a whole speech planned to intro this song about how “I’m no longer just one, but we are in fact now one together” but my wife doesn’t seem to be within ear shot. I’m sure she’s just grabbing a drink or something right now.

Fight Fire With Fire – This one’s easy. This is the perfect song to play for the volunteer firefighters who are running the bar for the night. Those guys just love fire songs. Say, have you seen my wife in the last 20 minutes or so?

Enter Sandman – This one will provoke a big sing along. Everyone knows this song, especially my wife who I noticed tapping her foot to it once when we first got together. I’m sure she’d remember but I can’t quite get eyes on her right now.

For Whom The Bell Tolls – The perfect Metallica track to end the night on. A great song to play as the crowd leaves and the groom sticks around to clean up the hall because paying this cover band for all these extra Metallica songs meant I had to cancel the cleaners. Besides, I’m sure as the crowd clears out it’ll be easier to spot my wife in here.

Unforgiven – Okay so everyone’s gone including my wife. It’s just me and the band. And you know what? I paid for a three hour set from these guys and I’m going to get it. We can really get into it and rock out knowing nobody is watching. Bonus: this jam will hold up to repeated listens alone in a hotel room tonight. A fucking classic.