Look around, notice anything? ‘90s nostalgia is in full effect, and nothing says “‘90s” like classic Budweiser commercials. We wanted to find out how these icons of the past are getting along nearly 30 years later so we sat down with drinking legends Bud, Weis, and Er to talk all things party, but their haggard appearance, slurred speech, and putrid body odor became so unbearable we felt ethically obligated to redirect the conversation to focus on the ravaging impact of alcohol on amphibians.
The Hard Times: I can’t believe you guys are still around. I remember watching you in the 1995 Super Bowl commercial.
Bud: We should be nearing the end of our days, but the copious amount of alcohol we consumed caused a genetic mutation that’s more than tripled our life expectancy. It sounds great to some, but it’s more of a “Tuck Everlasting” situation. All my old drinking buddies are either dead or sober, so I’m stuck with Weis and Er until I inevitably freeze to death at the bottom of a pond.
HT: Wow, that’s certainly less glamorous than the commercials made it seem. How has life post-limelight been for you?
Weis: Great at first. Free drinks and any girl I wanted in the marsh, but nothing gold can stay.
HT: What happened?
Weis: One of the main ways we attract female mates is through pheromones. Before I started hitting the bottle, I had an irresistible musk. A perfect mix of flora and fauna emanated off my clammy skin, but years of partying have made me smell like an old bar rag. I haven’t had sex since the Clinton administration. And masturbation is incredibly painful for me, I’m so fucked up right now man I pray a bird eats me.
HT: Have you ever thought about stepping away from boozing and rebranding with a less self-destructive image?
Bud: Of course, but nobody wants a refurbished frog. The damage is done. Quitting at this point would be like putting a bandaid over a bullet wound.
HT: Do you have any hopes for the future?
Er: A few months ago my wife asked me to carry some eggs on my back so she could go out and do some shopping, but I got blasted and must’ve dropped them somewhere in the reeds. It would be a dream to find them someday and meet my 5,000 children.
HT: Is it safe to say you’ve stepped away from the silver screen?
Bud: Yes, but not so much by choice. We were approached to do a remake of a commercial from 2011, but we were so hammered we kept spelling out “Weis-Bud-Er.” We cost the studio so much time and money in retakes that they eventually sent us home and had it dubbed over with a professional voice actor.
HT: Any advice for future drinkers?
Er: The good times don’t last, but the alcohol-induced ectoparasites do.