It seems the older you get, the faster time moves. It’s amazing how quickly a technology that’s part of our daily lives one minute can become not only obsolete but forgotten. We decided to illustrate this notion by showing a group of Gen A kids some vinyl records and sure enough, they had no idea the discs were used to play music. Unfortunately, we found that while technology comes and goes in the blink of an eye, the darkness at the heart of man remains eternal.
In less than an hour of trying to determine the purpose of records, a sort of group psychosis took hold of the children. Long story short, we are currently trapped in a barricaded office as the children, adorned in war paint and brandishing crudely fashioned weapons, engage in “The Hunt.”
We should not have taken their phones away, that was our first mistake.
At first, examining the records seemed to calm the children, who were pretty anxious from nearly 30 minutes of TikTok withdrawal. They were transfixed by a lot of the artwork. One of them pulled out a copy of The Psychedelic Furs “All of The and Nothing” and said, “I saw this on my Daddy’s screen once but why is it here?” It was about what we expected, but then the children agreed that only the person holding the Psychedelic Furs LP should be allowed to speak. We thought it was pretty cool that they were naturally governing themselves and decided to give them some space for a few minutes. That was our next mistake.
We swear to god we left those little fuckers alone for 5 minutes, 10 max, but when we went back to the room they had transformed. They were wearing war paint and crude skirts fashioned from the office plants. They had torches fashioned from God knows what. The weakest of them, Henry, was being forced to eat looted vending machine candy off the floor for the amusement of the others. It was clearly time to end this little experiment, but before we could give them their phones back their leader, wearing the Psychedelic Furs sleeve on his head like a hat, took notice of our presence, pointed his finger at us, and shouted “BEAST!” That’s when we noticed the spears, and the bloodlust in their once innocent eyes. We got the fuck out of there as fast as we could.
We’re not sure how many they’ve killed, surely there are other groups barricaded in rooms like we are and God willing one or two made it to the elevator and sent for help, but with each passing minute our hopes of rescue become dimmer, and the children’s ingenuity grows. You know in horror movies where a killer kid starts crying and saying they’re sorry and some sap opens the door only for the kid to go ballistic and stab them? We’ve heard three of those play out already.
If you’re reading this for the love of God send help. We’re getting hungry, which means so are they.