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Want a Free Vinyl from the Hard Times Merch Store? Here’s Our Tutorial on How to Open a Credit Card in Someone Else’s Name

Everything is getting more and more expensive these days. Retailers like Target and Walmart recently admitted they are price gouging all of us. As a fuck you to those greedy corporate fat cats, we at The Hard Times we wanted to give you all the opportunity to get a free vinyl record from our Hard Times Shoppe.

Now we can’t just give you a free vinyl, that would rob you of the satisfaction of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and earning one yourself. My grandfather had a saying, “Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Teach a man wire fraud, you give him the opportunity to buy a limited edition orange vinyl of Ceremony’s Rohnert Park LP at no cost to themselves.” In honor of this sage advice, here are our tips to open a credit card in someone else’s name.

Step 1: Dumpster Dive to Find Credit Card Offers Sent to Your Neighbors

The easiest way to get a credit card opened in someone else’s name is to find the offers people are sent in the mail. Go to the dumpster behind your apartment and start digging. You think you just saw the guy with the Chevy Camaro throw away his trash and that piece of shit keeps doing burnouts out of your parking lot at 2 a.m., so he has it coming.

Step 2: Ponder the Grim Implications of the Oppressive Economic Systems Put in Place to Keep Those in Power Thriving

Ok so you dug through your apartment’s dumpster and all you found were overdue bills and evidence that your neighbors have as many maxed credit cards as you. You did find the Camaro Guy’s mail and found he is in a pretty contentious custody battle and is likely using the early morning burnouts as a coping mechanism. Before you formulate your next plan of attack, take a moment to reflect on the structure of the economic systems of our society and how those systems are put in place to allow people that are already thriving to continue to thrive at the expense of those with lower economic status.

Step 3: Dig Mailboxes in a Nearby Affluent Suburb to Find Better Credit Card Offers

After a short period of reflection on our economic system, you decide that you aren’t going to let the bourgeoisie bastards get away with it. You’re going to the suburb near you that pays to be on a “Top 10 Places to Live” list put on by an online magazine and find credit card offers there. You’re not just doing this for a free vinyl anymore, you’re doing this for you and all your neighbors forced to barely scrape by.

Step 4: Bail Yourself Out of Jail

Yeah so the police in the suburb you picked clocked you almost immediately after you passed the “Welcome to Carmel, Indiana” sign. You didn’t even make it to a mailbox and they arrested you for “disorderly conduct,” whatever the fuck that means, and you have to call a friend to bail you out. Thanks to the bail costs, you are down $200 from when you started, which means you need a free vinyl more than ever. Keep going, now is not the time to quit.

Step 5: Regroup by Watching “Catch Me If You Can” Starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Tom Hanks

You need some inspiration, so you decide to watch Catch Me if You Can with the buddy that bailed you out. You didn’t find any meaningful ideas since the movie takes place in the ‘60s and ‘70s and identity theft safeguards have changed since then, but it’s a solid flick.

Step 6: Just Use Gene Simmons’s Information

If all the steps above fail for you, feel free to use Gene Simmons’s information that we got by posing as someone looking to license the KISS brand for a mobile game or some shit like that.

Name: Chaim Witz
Address: 1234 Coral Canyon Rd. Malibu, California
Social Security Number: 666-16-5678
Security Question: Name of First Pet?
Answer: Peter Criss

Congratulations, you now have the skills to open a credit card in someone else’s name. Take time to scroll through the Hard Times Shoppe and spend to your heart’s content, you’ve earned it.