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Wanna Give the Supreme Court a Piece of Your Mind? Here’s How To Get a Job at One of the Most Luxurious Resorts in the World

It’s getting more and more difficult to speak truth to power these days, especially when it comes to the judiciary branch of our federal government. With controversial recent decisions such as overturning Roe V. Wade, agreeing to self-police against the rampant corruption in their ranks, and granting presidents partial immunity to prosecution, it’s natural to want to give the Supreme Court justices a piece of your mind. Someone ought to tell these archaic bible thumbing hypocrites that they are civil servants who work FOR us, not creepy Eye’s Wide Shut-esque dictators. But how? The answer is to hit them where they live—on vacation.

In such infuriating times, it’s important to remember that your goal is to air your grievances to Kavanaugh, Alito, and Thomas’s smug, repugnant faces, not to some poor page who just wants to pad a resume. Unfortunately, there’s only one way to get face to face with these fuckers—positioning yourself to “serve” them. Here are some tips for getting a job at one of the world’s most elite vacation resorts, and then throwing that job away for one sweet cathartic outburst into the face of a monster.

Become a master masseuse

Years of study and work to master an occupation seems like a pretty big hoop to jump through just to voice your opinion to a government employee, but if American democracy worked you wouldn’t need to infiltrate a beach resort just to voice your opinion in the first place.

Witness a horrific crime perpetrated by a trust funder and say nothing

Discretion is the lifeblood of the high-end service industry. You need these assholes to think you’re willing to play ball. Remember, it’s for the greater good.

Learn to regulate your body temperature to become a more ideal human sushi plate

When you’ve worked in the criminal justice system as long as Clarence Thomas you know that sushi is best served on a naked human body of 99.4 degrees, not the standard 98.6. Through meditation, yoga, and breathing exercises you can learn to dial in your body’s core temperature making you a valuable asset in the industry.

Link your Fetlife to your LinkedIn profile and list “Exploitation” as one of your kinks

All vacation resorts need staff members who are okay with being surrounded by obnoxious amounts of wealth while working for next to nothing, but at the luxury-class level, complacency is not enough. They’re on the lookout for workers who NEED economic disparity to fulfill a complicated psycho-sexual urge. Sure, on paper, your job is just folding towels, but Judge Alito might want you to pretend to be his “nephew” for an hour and he certainly doesn’t want to be up-charged for it.

Get trafficked

It’s the most dangerous, least savory route to employment at a resort, but it’s your best shot at getting face time with Clarence Thomas at, shall we say, his most vulnerable.