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Um Winning: We Teamed up with Barstool Sports to Get Charlie Sheen Strung out on Drugs Again

Dilly dilly.

Let’s face it, things have not been the same since Charlie Sheen fell out of the limelight in 2015. With the dog days of summer approaching we don’t want to be bored to death by midseason baseball so we teamed up with the smoke shows over at Barstool Sports to get Mr. Tiger Blood back on some junk so he could entertain college students across the country with crazy sound bites, and wild good times.

This was not an easy task. It turns out Charlie is not an easy man to find. So we found some of the hottest, youngest porn stars, that were willing to work for Instagram tags and sent them up in the Hollywood Hills to find the recluse with Adonis DNA.

You might be asking, did you find him? Are Saturdays for the fucking boys? Hell yeah we found him, and brother things are turnt.

We Let Woody Harrelson Smoke 9 Joints in Our Office Before Realizing That’s Not Him

We brought Charlie back to the office and gave him all the alcohol we could find. He tried to pretend like he didn’t want any. But after we spiked a couple of Lacroix’s the Warlock was back!

First he tweeted at his ex wife in one of the greatest bits of Twitter comedy I have ever witnessed. Her called her “an incompetent swine” where does he come up with this? Eventually he started to crash and tire out. That’s when things got really interesting.

We called up some of the most dedicated Stoolies that we know were holding cocaine, and as soon as Charlie saw that sweet booger sugar he begged us to leave him alone. But that isn’t how we party. A couple of ex college linebackers held our boy down and we got him higher than a SpaceX prototype.

Charlie began firing on all cylinders cutting sound bites all over the place. Calling all of us in the office “turds” and busting us up with his pleas for us to call an ambulance because he thinks his heart might explode.

So America, I would just like to say you’re welcome. We brought Charlie Sheen back from the dead and we can finally laugh again.