You don’t really hear much about groupies anymore. It seems the days of hooking up with dudes in bands and traveling with them across the country are long gone. Travel doesn’t have the allure it once did, and that’s probably why I’ve boned almost every dude who works at this Jimmy John’s.
Okay, so it’s not exactly like being a groupie. I’m not riding a tour bus, attending sold-out concerts, or partying all night in trashed hotel rooms. Mostly, I’m just hanging around by the “Free Smells” sign waiting until the lunch crowd dies down so that some 20-year-old named Derek or Zach or whatever can go down on me in the handicapped bathroom.
But there are a lot of similarities, too! Just like the classic groupies, I’m there to give these immature, emotionally-stunted bros some much-needed attention and support. And there are plenty of perks for me, too. It’s sort of like being Kate Hudson in ‘Almost Famous,’ except instead of backstage access and free acid, I usually have to settle for a half-off turkey sub and free Mountain Dew refills.
You might be wondering how things got to this point. It’s not like I set out to smash every single employee. It’s just that pretty much every guy working here is the same, and he is my type. They all have GEDs and neckbeards and their idea of a romantic date night is watching ‘300’ in their parent’s half-finished basement. It’s sexy as fuck.
I don’t know what to tell you, I like what I like.
Trust me, there are times I wish I could break away from the temptation of the Jimmy John’s staff and their chubby, cargo-shorted hogs. But where else can you meet a man nowadays? I tried hanging out at Jersey Mike’s, but when I flirted with the guys there they got scared and called the cops. And it’s sad to say, but pretty much every man who works at a Subway or Quiznos is destined to die a virgin.
So next time you get the craving for some Jimmy John’s, keep an eye out for me. Don’t be shy, you can even come over to my table and say hi. But do yourself a favor and watch your step if you see a “Wet Floor” sign over by the soda fountain. Trust me, that’s not Pepsi.