If you’re a parent you’ve probably spent the week combing blog posts about Halloween safety. By now you know how to identify any signs of tampering, should some sick bastard decide to try and poison your innocent child. As one of those sick bastards I can tell you, you’re wasting your fucking time.
Think about it. Why would I, a murderer of children, waste my time poisoning candy on the one day of the year when people are actually looking for poisoned candy? That’s when the heat is on!
It’s high risk, low yield, and frankly a huge waste of candy.
We in the candy poisoning game have a name for anyone who tries to tamper with Halloween candy: amateur. Go ask one of those posers to name 3 kids they’ve successfully poisoned on Halloween. Deer in headlights.
Maybe you’re thinking that we’re compelled to try anyway, that psychos like me enjoy the challenge of slipping arsenic into a Reese’s cup while every parent in America is on high alert. Newsflash, we don’t. We like killing kids successfully and keeping a low profile.
I’ll tell you when I like to do it, Easter. No parent is inspecting an Easter basket for poison candy, and I’ve capitalized on that for over two decades. Thanks, Jesus!
Here’s a fun fact for you, there have only been two reported cases of poisoned Halloween candy in American history, and both cases were instances of the parent trying to poison their own child. Those selfish assholes ruined it for everybody, and OG monsters like myself have just taken that night off ever since.
The worst thing your kid is gonna get from me this Halloween is a toothbrush because no one suspects that guy of being a child killer.
Parents, stop being an overprotective wreck and just let your kids enjoy being kids this Halloween. Childhood doesn’t last forever, and if I have my way, it will end sooner than you think!