All right 2025, let’s do this! Every year of my adult life my New Year’s resolution has been to lose weight, and every year I not only fail but wind up a little fatter than I was the year before. That ends now. How am I so sure? Because thanks to inflation, Trump’s tariffs, and AI “disrupting” the job market, I will simply not be able to afford food this year.
It’s going to happen, I have no control over it, so I may as well act like it’s my plan!
With even fast food chains buckling under the pressure of economic failure, my plan is sure to succeed! The McDonald’s double cheeseburger was once the highest dollar-to-calorie ratio in the world. In 2025, if I’m lucky enough to get one, I’ll be eating half, and passing the remainder down to my son when I die.
I knew we were in trouble last year when I found myself using quad-pay apps for ubereats, essentially leasing pizza. It seems like a good investment when you’re stoned at midnight, but I’m sorry to report that none of those pies have appreciated in value. On the plus side, when I lost my job and couldn’t make payments anymore, there was nothing for the repo guys to repossess!
Due to budgetary restrictions, my diet is now down to about two bananas and half a can of tuna per day, barely enough to sustain my daily bodily functions let alone pack on the pounds! I had to make a new hole in my belt this morning, and aside from the fact that my malnourished body was barely able to puncture the leather, and the fact that I cut myself doing it, and the fact that I’ve never had a cut bleed.
Hey, I’m just glad guys like Musk are in there to stop the government from spending money on frivolous things, like us and the stuff that keeps us alive. They’re running the country like a business and let’s face facts, a comfortable human life has never been terribly profitable.
The only real downside is none of my friends will be around to see my transformation. By the time I start looking lean, they’ll be long dead from starvation, an event that my fat reserves will keep me around just long enough to witness before perishing myself. Don’t worry, I’ll wait an appropriate amount of grieving time before I cave to desperation and eat your remains!