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The Top 5 Scratch-Off Tickets That Are Gonna Get Me Out of This Hole, Come on Baby!

Between the pandemic, rising fuel prices and some real fucking bad luck at the dog track, more and more Americans are taking on side hustles to make ends meet. Those Americans are suckers and chumps.

I am hanging by a fucking thread but that’s all about to change right here, right in this gas station, right in front of this lady asking me to move out of her way that I’m ignoring. You can pay for your milk and bread after I’m done getting rich bitch, they ain’t never gonna break Daddy’s legs! Here we go!

5. Pharaohs Tomb: $20
I know what you’re thinking — “Twenty bones on one scratchy?! I can buy a whole pack of smokes for that much!” Well, as the saying goes, you gotta spend money to make money baby! This bad boy costs the most because it pays out the most, so when you think about it this is the smartest scratch off ticket to buy!

Here we go, let’s see, pyramid, good yes okay, another pyramid, fuck yeah fuck yeah so close aaaaaaannnnd… onyx. Okay. not what I was hoping for but uh let’s see that’s worth… nothing. Well, fuck. That’s okay we got 4 more!

4. Cashword: $8
I love this ticket because you get like 10 letters to play with and there’s a bunch of possible words so it feels almost impossible to not win something! Rent money here I come!

Okay lucky nickel in hand and let’s do this! We got D, R, Z, Q, G, L, hmmm, no vowels so far, that’s okay head down keep scratching, C, P, T aaaaaaaannnnddd… J. Son of a bitch.

3. Win For Life: $3
This is the one I can feel it. This is the one that’s gonna turn it all around. Top prize on this on is 20 grand a month for the rest of my life! I can’t wait to see the look on my wifes “Stop wasting all of our goddamn money on scratch tickets” face when I tell her… nothing. Nope, this ones a dud. Okay, starting to sweat a little.

2. Three Of a Kind: $2
Come on baby, pappa needs a new pair of shoes! For kis kid! And, some medicine…

Ace… ace.. Jack! God dammit! God fucking dammit I’m such a fucking loser fuck fuck fuck!

1. Hail Mary: $1
Success! I just one 20 big ones! With this windfall I can buy another Pharaoh’s Tomb Scratchy! The last one didn’t hit so my odds are double now!