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The Next Mona Lisa? Every Time I Watch “Labyrinth” it Feels Like David Bowie’s Bulge is Following Me Around the Room

It’s happened to all of us: You start watching Jim Henson’s 1986 cult classic “Labyrinth,” and despite the movie transporting you to a fantastical land full of weird little freaks, you simply can’t take your eyes off of David Bowie’s monumental bulge. Hell, we were so mesmerized by the Goblin King Jareth’s mighty lighthouse erupting from his sea of gray tights that we didn’t even notice there were Muppets in the film until our second viewing!

But luckily, there’s now a scientific explanation for this phenomenon: The David Bowie Effect. Much like viewing the Mona Lisa, which gives admirers the eerie sensation of constantly being watched by the painting’s subject, researchers have found that the sheer gravitational pull of David Bowie’s massive frontal badonkadonk draws your eyes downward and refuses to release them from its orbit. This gives the illusion that Bowie’s herculean hog holster is just outside of your peripheral vision no matter where you are in the room. Some people have described the effect as being so strong that they can feel his enormous Hoggle-smuggler doing ‘the magic dance’ in their minds even after they close their eyes!

Naturally, our new understanding of this phenomenon is just the tip of Bowie’s titanic iceberg, and only invites more questions about the creative process behind this cinematic masterpiece. Why did Jim Henson decide to get a little freaky with it during a coming-of-age kid’s movie where most of the cast were Muppets? Why does the dog Muppet Sir Didymus ride a real dog as his steed, and what does that say about the hierarchy of canine creatures in the world of “Labyrinth”? And why won’t The Louvre return our calls for their art curator position?

We don’t know, but at least we now understand why we all fall under the hypnotic sway of The David Bowie Effect whenever we watch “Labyrinth.” By the end of the film, Jennifer Connelly’s Sarah forcefully proclaims that the Goblin King has no power over her, but we’d gladly brave the bog of eternal stench and descend the MC Escher Relativity staircase for another proper gander at Jareth’s round mound of pound.