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The New Microdosing? I Keep Getting Drunk at Work

For more than two decades, Silicon Valley has served as the global center of high technology and workplace innovation, dictating the way virtually every industry conducts business. Consider the pervasiveness of “microdosing,” in which thought leaders and executives unlock their creativity by consuming small amounts of LSD along with their morning coffee.

But what if I told you there was a new microdosing trend? And it didn’t come from Silicon Valley, it came from the medical garment manufacturing hub of Carbondale, Illinois.

A professional forklift operator and amateur scientific researcher (who just so happens to be me) has been administering hourly microdoses of corn liquor to his test subject (also me) and discovered that alcohol is the new secret to workplace productivity and creativity.

Following extensive testing over the course of several back-to-back-to-back 12-hour shifts, the study found that microdosing not only increased the subject’s productivity, but also greatly improved his problem-solving ability and charisma, super-charged his ability to kick seriously anyone’s ass, and exponentially increased the subject’s handsomeness.

Furthermore, the scientific study concluded that, unlike hallucinogens, the positive effects of microdosing alcohol are multiplied when consumed in higher quantities (aka macrodosing).

Yet despite these promising and possibly world-changing results, microdosing alcohol, just like with hallucinogens, is still considered taboo in the workplace and has been met with intense scrutiny, as demonstrated by my small-minded floor manager who found me napping in his office after I pissed inside the cardboard baler.

“Jesus Christ, you were drunk and operating heavy machinery? You could have killed someone!” he yelled, despite me very reasonably and calmly asking he keep it down because I had a headache.

While the brilliant scientific researcher is discouraged by this shitcanning, and the fact that he slept in his car last night, much like when Steve Jobs was fired from Apple, he is clearly onto bigger and better things! I can’t wait to see how macrodosed alcohol effects betting your last paycheck on the ponies!