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If My Teenage Daughter Is Going to Drink I’d Rather She Do It at My Place So I Can Hit on Her Friends

I’m a good dad, OK? I think it’s important to get that out of the way first. Sure, I used to party when I was younger, but once my (now ex-)wife, Vanessa got pregnant with Gena I put that all away. But as a realistic father who puts his child first always, I understand that she will have a party phase as well. So, to me, it’s common sense: if my teenage daughter is going to drink, I want her to do so in my basement so I can keep an eye on her and also hit on her friends.

I love my little Gena. She’s 16 and she’s very sweet, but also shy. I try to help put her in more situations where she can socialize with other 16-year-olds. And I plan to keep helping her make teenage friends well into her 20s. I just worry that without my totally normal, not at all predatory supervision, she may end up drinking too much and getting taken advantage of by some creep!

This way, my Gena and her friends can have a safe place to hang out. Also, it gives me a chance to try the old flirting classics on her friends like, “let me show you my motorcycle” or, “bet your dad doesn’t let you shoot guns in the house.” Like I said, safety first.

Related: I’m Not Gentrifying This City, It Was My Rich White Asshole of a Dad Who Bought the Apartment


16-year-olds have a WIDE RANGE of maturity levels. Believe me: I’m responsibly raising one! But some of Gena’s friends are REALLY mature if you ask me. Last month we had a little party downstairs where I bought Gena and her friends a couple cases of beer and a few sixers of Mike’s Hard Lemonade. Her friend Felicia then asked me if I knew anything about statutory laws in our state. So mature! She must be planning to go to college to be a lawyer. I definitely want her hanging out with my daughter!

Anyway, I should finish this up and go back to the party. I heard a knock at the door so I’m assuming more of Gena’s friends have arrived. Oh cool, it looks like they brought flashing red and blue strobe lights. This should be a great night!