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Sorry I Bailed on Driving You to the Emergency Room Yesterday, I Just Needed Some Me Time

Hey. How ya doing, bud? Not that you asked, but I’m doing okay. I’ve just kind of been in my own head lately. And speaking of heads, it looks like your ears are bleeding a lot. You should get that checked out.

Oh yeah! I remember now! You asked me to take you to that thing yesterday. The one at the hospital. You called me up screaming about how you were “gonna die” and “this is an emergency, please help!”

I gotta tell you, that was pretty triggering for me. After that, I had to listen to ASMR clips on YouTube for five and a half hours just to chill out for a bit. You know I’m a hyper-empath. You really need to be careful what you say to me.

And can you do something about that orange foam that’s leaking out of your nose? Orange is an inherently violent color and foam is my draining texture. Can you make it chalky instead? That texture calms me.

Woah, what are you so mad about? Self-care is very important to me and if that is inconvenient for you every time you have a teensy mid-air hang glider collision and expect me to just drop my tri-daily sound meditation to drive you a full fifteen minutes to the emergency room, then that is your problem. I hope you are able to find the inner strength to not be an aura parasite.

No! I don’t have any gauze. Stop asking me that like I’m some infinite well of resources for you to plunder. Great, now I’m gonna need another decompression nap.

Look, if you can’t learn to care for yourself like an emotionally mature adult without dragging others into your traumatic-cranial-injury negativity, then I don’t think I can accept any more of your so-called “emergencies.”

Also, I find this whole “pretending to seize up and stop breathing” routine you’re doing to be very manipulative. I’m gonna go make myself a cup of support kombucha until you grow up already.