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Santa Was a Real Person and I’ve Got the Skull to Prove It Kids!

Hi kids! Happy Holidays! I hope all you good little boys and girls have got your Christmas lists ready for Santa! What’s that? You don’t believe in Santa Clause!? Why that’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard! Who told you such an absurd thing? Your parents?! Well don’t believe everything your parents tell you, kids. Get ready to let all the merriment and whimsy of childhood back into your heart because Santa Claus was a living, breathing person just like you or me, and I can prove it!

Kids, what you see before you right now, discovered in a crypt in Bari, Italy, is the skull of THE Saint Nicholas!

That’s right, ole Kris Kringle himself, right here in my hand! Yes a colleague of mine in…

Woah, what’s with all the crying? Everybody settle down, I had to pull a lot of strings to give this presentation, OK? I’m trying to save Christmas!

As I was saying, a colleague of mine was kind enough to loan me this important archaeological discovery to help middle school students all across the country get to know the real, that’s right REAL Santa Claus!

From this find we have determined that Santa was approximately 70 at the time of his death. The size of his nose indicates a healed fracture, probably from squeezing down all those chimneys am I right?!

I said no more crying! This is supposed to be fun! For fuck’s sake, I brought Santa to your school! The REAL SANTA! What more do you want? Do you know how hard I had to work to make this happen? This specimen is priceless you little monsters, be quiet! I said QUIET!

Related: We Bought the GG Allin Advent Calendar but Are Afraid to Open It


Now, if you will all turn your attention to the monitor here, we see a computer generated recreation of what Santa actually looked like. As you can see he was much more slender than once thought, and in fact, bears a slight resemblance to your principal, don’t you think?

OK you know what, fuck this! If you little bastards are just going to scream and cry the whole time I’m done. Jesus! This generation doesn’t appreciate anything! You’re just like the kids at the last school I went to — nothing but a bunch of spineless pussies! You know who wasn’t spineless? Santa. And I’ve got his spine right here to prove it.

There is nothing to cry about! Santa lived to be 70 for Christ’s sake! Your parents might not even live that long!