With the rising costs of goods and women’s revitalized hatred of men, love bombing has become nearly impossible unless you’re a millionaire or one of those lucky guys who has a discernable jawline. Women these days have become so morally bankrupt that you basically need to be Brad Pitt to manipulate them in this day and age, and frankly, that’s sickening.
Local lovebomber Kevin Baldwin is experiencing this sad new phenomenon firsthand. “In the old days, you confessed your love to a girl on your second date, then showed up at her workplace unannounced with gifts you stole from Whole Foods, and she was yours. No questions asked.” Sadly, these methods no longer work and it’s becoming harder and harder for men to seduce women so they can eventually abuse and devalue them. Plus have you been to Whole Foods lately? It’s like a surveillance state in there.
From Paris to Maui to The Swiss Alps, there’s virtually no place Baldwin hasn’t promised to take his partners to with zero intention of ever following through. “It turns out empty promises just aren’t enough anymore.” Badlwin’s father would be rolling in his grave to see these entitled, vacation-obsessed women running amock. Back in his day all you had to do was lay your coat down over a dirty puddle or let someone skip you in the bread line, and bam! You were married that same day.”
Baldwin’s ability to sufficiently manipulate someone has suffered a series of setbacks as of late. After the world of online sports betting didn’t pan out to be as lucrative as previously thought, his mom removed him from the family phone plan and he found out he wasn’t an ideal candidate for hair plugs, it’s become difficult for him to isolate women from their community and convince them that they’re worthless.
Despite what every single one of his ex-girlfriends will tell you, he’s just a regular, well-adjusted guy who wants to love, spoil, and flatter his new partner into a submissive fugue state wherein she can be molded into a patchwork version of his mother, but that’s too much to ask for these days if you can’t cover the dinner bill. I guess fake nice guys finish last.