Press "Enter" to skip to content

Ranking All of the Cigarettes in the Pack Dad Made Me Smoke Because He Caught Me Stealing a Pall Mall

Well, the only man busted us trying to make off with one of his precious Pall Malls, and true to form he’s being all old school about it. He told us we have to smoke a whole pack right in front of him now. I thought parents stopped doing this shit in like the ‘50s!

Whatever, I can’t wait to see the look on his face when I take down the last one cool as a cucumber. Here we go!

1. Hell yeah. Joke’s on you, Dad, I bet I look cool as hell with this dart hanging from my lower lip. Sure, it doesn’t taste great, but the other kids would flip if they saw what a badass I am. I haven’t even coughed once.

2. Okay, sure, this one doesn’t have the novelty factor of being my first smoke, but I still feel pretty darn cool. When Jimmy’s older sister gave him one, he couldn’t even smoke half of it. What a loser.

3. I’m fine. It’s fine. This is fine. It’s fine. I’m fine. It’s fine.

4. Alright. I’ll admit it. These are starting to taste pretty bad. But I’m no quitter. I’m not about to let the old man see me cry over some crummy cigarettes.

5. I should have just gone for the liquor cabinet.

6. Ugh. Gosh. I wonder if I should have gone for Mom’s menthols instead. I think those are supposed to be minty?

7. I started coughing pretty bad on this one, and my eyes are watering a little bit. Dad just laughed at me and told me to get him a beer.

8. This one really hurt.

9. This one hurt even worse.

10. Okay. Halfway there. I can do this. I can do this.

11. Oh God. Why did I think this was a good idea? I’m never going to smoke again.

12. These are so bad. This is so bad. Why would anyone touch these things?

13. I’m starting to feel a little jittery. Is this nicotine? Can you get nicotine poisoning?

14. Alright. Alright. Alright. I can do this.

15. Maybe I can’t do this.

16. I asked Dad if I could stop and he just grinned and said “You’re not gonna try this again any time soon, huh
sport?” and then made me get him another High Life.

17. I feel like I’m going to die.

18. I’m definitely going to die.

19. I’m coughing really really bad now. Dad said if I throw up on the carpet, he’ll rub my face in it. I’m so close. I can see the light.

20. I can’t fucking breathe. Oh my God, I can’t fucking breathe. I don’t even remember what air tastes like. I really can’t recommend this to anyone.

21. Yeah, I stole another one like an hour later. Wow, these things are evil!