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Progress! This Fracking Company Is Removing Plastic Cutlery From Its Seal Buffet

These days everyone is trying to be a better consumer. Whether it’s forgoing plastic straws, using a refillable water bottle, or burying our fecal matter in a local park, we all want to do our part for a cleaner, better earth. It is in the spirit of environmentalism that this fracking company just removed plastic cutlery from its seal buffet!

Score one for the Green Team!

I present you with ChemCore- a multinational energy conglomerate which launches liquid at high pressures to dislodge natural gas from rocks and boreholes. It’s highly hazardous and has poisoned numerous American water supplies. So naturally it’s corporate offices like to keep it loose and fun with Luau Friday’s, date auctions, and their weekly all-you-can-eat seal buffet.

At first, employees were skeptical. “I wasn’t exactly sure how I’d eat those delicious water dogs,” commented Vice President of Marketing John Slatterhorn. “I don’t know, what do poor people use? Bones? Do they eat with, like, sharpened bones?”

But after a period of adjustment, the ChemCore corporate office is finally warming up to the idea. “It’s fine, I guess” said Chief Financial Officer Wayne LaPointe. “I’ll just have my mom’s home care nurse feed me on her days off.”

ChemCore consumes roughly 150,000 gallons of water per quarter and produces close to 100,000 tons of industrial wastewater, which tends to include roughly 2000 times the EPA accepted amount of radium. So every little bit of reducing, reusing, and recycling counts!

And it’s not just cutlery. The company is cutting wasteful practices all over. From energy saving light bulbs in corporate private jets, to recycled metals in their employees’ ‘containment bracelets,’ ChemCore is committed to minimizing its carbon footprint whilst rending the earth in twain like a Mortal Kombat fatality.

You go, ChemCore!

If the techniques are effective, the company might expand their eco-friendly ways by turning off their 20,000 faucets to nowhere or maybe even putting a vegetable in the kitchen just to see what happens.

“So long as nothing gets in between me and that sweet, wet, slippery seal meat.” says HR director Wendy DeDeaux. “I ate about six or seven pounds at lunch and now I can’t hear.”

All in all, these new waste minimization practices are proof positive that ChemCore Cares!™

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