Not to sound like a bitter old man but things truly were better back in the halcyon days of the 90’s, rose colored glasses be damned. That’s when I remember America being great, when my frontal lobe wasn’t fully developed and the world wasn’t backward like a stuffed-crust pizza.
Something has changed, and definitely for the worse. I look around and no longer see the country I was born and raised in because I could swear there used to be way more Pizza Huts around.
You might think it’s a weird metric to measure how far down the USA has been flushed down the shitter, but the last time the federal government had a consistent surplus, Mr. Pizza Head was on our TV’s every other commercial break. Coincidence? I think not!
There’s no hiding the fact that our rights have slowly been eroding for decades, culminating in the country collapsing in on itself like a dying star. Many people will blame the ruling class, I blame the dipshit at Yum! Brands who thought it would be a good idea to ditch Pizza Hut’s iconic roofs and make them look like banks. If you want to know where America’s soul went, it died when fast casual pizza joints stopped looking like they were wearing wide brim hats.
It was not too long ago that you’d have family-friendly chain pizza restaurants in every town with aesthetics reminiscent of a 1980’s basement. And they were endorsed by the Ninja Turtles for God’s sake! You couldn’t get a better stamp of approval than that, especially since I thought they were real until I was eight years old.
This has the deep state’s greasy fingers all over it. Just follow the breadcrumbs: Bush passes “No Child Left Behind”, literacy rates plummet, the “Book It!” program gets scrapped so then nobody is getting personal pan pizzas, and next thing we know Pizza Huts start disappearing and media literacy is extinct. Checkmate, America.
Was the Hut out-pizza’d overnight, or were we just not paying attention? I always knew the unchecked proliferation of Papa John’s and Murphy’s would lead our nation astray. They’re not my real (pizza) dad!
Well, it was nice while it lasted. At least I have the memories and these Land Before Time hand puppets to remind me that at one point, life made sense.