Ready for a geography lesson? New York City is comprised of five boroughs: the Bronx, Brooklyn, Manhattan, Queens, and Staten Island, each bearing its own inscrutable mystique. However, some seem to believe that the world of New York City begins and ends in the most sanitized corners of one section. At the risk of pointing fingers, the Muppets and their apparent unwillingness to branch out beyond pockets of Manhattan means they’ll never be able to lay claim to being genuine New Yorkers.
Granted, I understand Kermit and his friends were staging a Broadway musical (not exactly my scene but I try not to judge) and thus probably wouldn’t be able to check off even half of the items on the “New York Shitty” itinerary my Uncle Tripp made in ‘81. But that doesn’t mean the opportunities weren’t there.
Like, when they meet all those rats working at the diner. I felt a wave of relief, eagerly anticipating a subsequent scene where they all go huff glue in Prospect Park and give each other stick ’n pokes. The closest it gets is a brief moment in Central Park (snore) where no one so much as lights a cigarette. Like, yeah, Miss Piggy kicks this dude’s ass, but it’s nothing compared to the time my buddy Mulch threw a Big Gulp cup full of piss through the window of a moving cop car in Far Rockaway. Or the time he found a lamp on the sidewalk and immediately smashed it over a Proud Boy’s head. God, I miss him.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. Look, I get the Fozzie or Gonzo or whoever might not be quite that wild. And maybe they didn’t have time for a complete experience. But even if they were stuck in Manhattan, there’s so much more they could’ve done. Like, did no one in Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem check to see what was going down at CBGB? We could’ve had Animal experiencing the primal power of Steve DePace’s fills. Is there an extended edition that leans more in this direction? Because the studio cut is not it.
“What’s the big deal?” you might be asking. Well, if you have to ask, sadly, you’re also never going to be a real New Yorker. Now, I need to get going. I just moved into a new duplex in Hoboken and I haven’t even started unpacking.